  I'm a very deep person and I'm always consumed in thoughts on the "whole picture," even when it seems like I'm just another teen. So this afternoon when I woke up @ 2 *yes, 2 in the afternoon , do you have a problem with that? I haven't had a day to sleep in for about 2 weeks ...now what was I saying? * I decided I was gonna spend the night at home. Okay, for a 14 year old, I'm out a lot, not as much as I really want, but according to my parents, a lot. And I am.
And there's nothing wrong with that. Other than the fact that I haven't written a poem for a while. Like I wrote the one for Mrs. Laboda, but that was for the school's video and I had my reasons for wanting that out of the way. And the poems I was writing in algebra and science don't count because I had nothing to do. I haven't been home, that's why I haven't written a poem in a while! I just sleep and get ready at this house I call a home and that's it!
Tonight, I wanted to work on my book *the details of which I am keeping a secret because it could mess up a lot of shit! * but I worked out and just ate. Which is really weird because all this week I haven't ate breakfast, ate a little lunch, some dinner, and that was about it. But today it was like junk food overload! Uh...and damn! It was all after working out!
Which I couldn't finish because my legs hurt so bad...oh well there's always tomorrow. Believe me, if I could stop eating and stay healthy, I would but obviously, I can't. I've tried to not eat before and I get to lunch, and it's done. I know I'm not fat or anything, it's just that you have those models and shit to live up to and it's just hard to love your body. Even though soccer is my favorite sport, in ways I hate way it's done to my body. My thighs are like seriously HUGE!
And everything I do just makes 'em bigger, it's not like there's tons of fat there, it's mainly muscle but my inner thighs are the problem! I'm just starting to think that I don't know who's gonna read this and what they're gonna think but please whoever you are, don't judge me, you don't know me. I really don't wanna lie anymore and pretend to love my body! I like my calves and that's about it. In a way, I'm scared to let my friends read this because as I know some talk enough smack about me already so why give them more reasons to talk shit about me? I don't know, I really don't.
But I know this is a sense of therapy to me and I can really use it! I mean, Mike can only be my counselor for so long, ya know? Speaking of counseling, this whole career shit at school is really screwing me up. I wanna major in psychology and minor in journalism. But to get places in psychology I have to get a masters' (4 yrs of college) and pretty much NEED a P.H.D. (I don't know how the whole periods go w/ that "label.
" Oh well, I tried. ) which is 2-3 more yrs! Number 1, I don't wanna go to school for 7 more years after high school. Number 2, the school I wanna go to is a lot of money ! And to make my parents pay that amount for 7 years is gonna be hell for us both! But you don't know how bad I wanna get out of Wickliffe.
Another thing that scares me is what happens if my parents find some way to pay for college and then I don't get accepted... I'd seriously be heart broken and like cry for weeks. I'm soo scared failing at anything and everything. That's what I hate about myself, I'm so worried what other think and I'm so freaked about what people will think when/if I suck @ something. I don't understand why some people think of me as an overachiever or this is extreme perfectionist. If you want the truth, yeah I REALLY use to wanna be perfect.
Like less than a year ago I felt this way. What made me stop you ask? What others were saying about the people who were pretty close to "perfect. " I don't understand how people get by on not caring what others think. It just doesn't make sense to me. I don't know when I started to care.
In 5th grade, I sure didn't. I was anti-school spirit and "punkish" but got straight A's and was a pretty good student, if I do say so myself. But in 6th grade, it just changed. I think I know what changed...maybe it was because I got my period that summer? Seriously! I was first of my friends to get it, maybe that's what happened?
Well, I have no clue...now that I've ranted on for about a half hour, I'm gonna go take a shower and go to bed. I probably won't add another posting til Monday nite, so see ya then! Muah! 
