  Current Mood: Melancholy, but Hopeful Current Music: "I Want To Live," Josh Gracin The not fun part was coming home to my Father bitching and being reminded that Nathan is not with me.
I miss him so much. All that momentary fun was just covering up my underlying misery at his distance from me. I've been reading, writing, anything to keep busy from thinking about where he is and what he's doing, and the fact that, whatever it is, it's not with me or near me...I am withering without him.
Worst of all, the more we are apart, it seems, the more we fight. Sometimes it's just a misunderstanding, or something we just snap at one another, but still sometimes they are genuine disagreements that split us apart on an issue. As if the physical distance from him were not bad enough, we are not one anymore. We are two people in a relationship.
We are not two souls joined as one as we have been in the past. I don't know if that's just from not seeing each other and not talking as often, or if he is pulling away from me. Either way, I don't like it, and I hope Celtic Weekend finds everything back where it belongs. I love him so much, I cannot bear to lose him. My soul could not take another loss of that calibur, it barely withstood the last. She's totally gone now.
I really can't feel her anymore in my heart. It saddens me to think that she has abandoned me, but the fact is maybe I can do it on my own now. I don't have to be led about by the hand. For 6 years now, I have had to do it alone. I miss her guidance and her support, but I guess I can be my own Mother now. I have to be, in most cases. Sometimes it is better to not know what you are missing, to never know what you could have if not for stupid doctors and human failings.
I miss her, and I miss him, and I have nothing here worth celebrating. I have my Father, but increasingly this "my little girl" stuff is irritating more than endearing. I have to get away from this place, I have to get away from my family and my friends and my past. Run from it like it was the plague. Everything that has happened matters not, what will happen is what is important.
I will tell you right now what it will be. I will go to school, spend every available moment with Nathan, and try not to think about my regrets, my shortcomings, and the people that know just how deep my fault lines run. I will learn, I will grow, and I will forget. I will love Nathan more than any human being should be able to or willing to. My life has not begun. With him, I have a chance to make someone happy, make myself happy, and I will try my best.
I'll give him my heart and soul, my mind, and my body. I have nothing else to give, so I hope it's enough. I love you, Nathan... Sometimes I feel like I need to shake myself, to wake myself: I feel like I'm just sleep walkin' through out life. It's like I'm swimmin' in an ocean of emotion, But still, somehow, slowly goin' numb inside. I don't like who I'm becomin', I know I've gotta do somethin', Before my life passes right by.
I want to cry like the rain, cry like the rain, An' shine like the sun on a beautiful mornin'. Sing to the heavens like a church bell ringin', Fight with the devil an' go down swingin'. Fly like a bird, roll like a stone, Love like I ain't afraid to be alone. Take everything that this world has to give: I wanna live. Sometimes I wonder why I work so hard to guard my heart. Well, I hardly feel anything at all.
I've spent my whole life buildin' up this ivory tower. Now that I'm in it, I keep wishin' it would fall. So I can feel the ground beneath me, really taste this air I'm breathin', And know that I'm alive.
I want to cry like the rain, cry like the rain, An' shine like the sun on a beautiful mornin'. Sing to the heavens like a church bell ringin', Fight with the devil an' go down swingin'. Fly like a bird, roll like a stone, Love like I ain't afraid to be alone.
Take everything that this world has to give: I wanna live, I wanna live. Somethin' deep inside keeps sayin life is like a vapor: It's gone in just the twinklin' of an eye.
I want to cry like the rain, cry like the rain, An' shine like the sun on a beautiful mornin'. Sing to the heavens like a church bell ringin', Fight with the devil an' go down swingin'. Fly like a bird, roll like a stone, Love like I ain't afraid to be alone.
Take everything that this world has to give.
I wanna take every breath I can get: I wanna live 
