  Remittance Girl's post about her father made me think of all that I have discovered about myself in relation to my parents over the years. My father adopted me when he married my mother, I was two years old. (my birth father's name was forged on the documents... I didn't meet him until I was 23) All I remember of my father is him being mad constantly and the rest of us tiptoeing around so as not to provoke him...and get yelled at, or hit... in the last few years I had refused to go see him, because he always found a way to insult me, and I would go home with no self-esteem left.
He died in May, and I never got the chance to "settle" things... I wish I would have, although he wouldn't have apologized, or changed his "tune", but I would have felt better about myself for letting him know how I felt. I think he has a lot to do with how I react to men... the promiscuity, the drugs that I went through in high school - all for wanting to be accepted and loved by a man. I still have to fight myself to not go out with anyone who asks me, and changing my personality to "fit" a man's just to get that feeling of acceptance. RG was lucky that her mother defended her. My mother (still) has always told me I never do anything right... and "Why can't you be like your sister?
" I think my relationship with her is at least part of the reason that I have never had really close girlfriends, and don't trust other women easily... I have always thought that I am an adult now, I can't blame my family for things in my life, I know better... but my knowledge doesn't always go to my heart... or my self esteem... my emotions don't know better....
The older I get, the more "at home" in my own life I become. I still tend to be afraid to follow up on most of my "dreams". I really hate being so dependent on what others think, but I'm constantly working on it... and I'm getting there. Submitted by : urlLink Submissive Soul ( urlLink ks_ladyhawke_4ever@yahoo.com ) urlLink Read more! 
