  This is an e-mail I wrote to Greg Lee, my youth pastor... Life is sooo pointless. You live, then you die. Wow, how wonderful. You are supposed to trust a God that puts soooo much pain into your life. Im sorry, i just cant do that. Why would He do that to me?
Im supposed to love him? I dont think so. He should build me up as a strong Christian and then pile all this crap onto me. I cant handle it. People say, 'oh, but shelby... you are such a wonderful person. you can handle this.
' NO I CANT!!! I wear a mask, and I like to. I dont want anyone to know that i'm at rock bottom. people look up to me, and i cant be broken in front of them. I am their mentor, their advice seeker, and their friend. How can they come to me if Im even worse then they are?
Like, Cheyenne and Kristen come to me with their boy problems, school problems, etc... and i love to help them, i love to know that i can be there for them. But i feel like its all in vain. Like how can i tell them something, the right thing, and im not even doing it myself? How does that balance out? I love those girls, and all the people who come to me. And i lvoe to help them.
I think thats my place... but im not taking my own advice... and i dont know why. Everything is sooo blury. Like im living my life outside my body. Like im watching everything happening right before my eyes and there is no way to stop it from happening. I work myself so hard, so im so worn out that all i have to do is jump in the shower then sleep... b/c @ night, i have the chance to think. and when i think i get really depressed.
like i am now. and i put this mask on, so noone will know how im dying inside. There is just so much going on. Drew is breaking my heart. And he has no idea. Seeing him do the things he do is tearing me apart.
and u told me to try not to let it get me down. i cant do that... when one of my friends hurt, i hurt with them. And even though he wont even look at me or talk to me, I still love him as my best friend... and i want to be there for him no matter what, no matter where, no matter what time, and no matter what kind of situation he is in. Its like i see it happeneing, i wish i could tell him to stop, but he wont listen to me... im trying to talk to him and he shuts me out... like im nothing. he has made me feel like im nothing of worth. like im not worthy to be look at or talked to.
what did i do? yeah, i broke up with him... but it was better than going on and hurting him even more in the long run. so how can he sit there and hate me for trying to save him pain? i cant do anything right when it comes to him. Half of me wants to say screw it, do whatever you want. but the other half is like you cant do that, he needs you...
There is just so much going on. ill have to write more about it later, or tell you on wednesday. my fingers ache. *lol* So, now you know the under lying pain that i hide. **now you know the real me... the real feelings that are deep inside of me** 
