  Happy Memorial Day. ( = I haven’t done ca-ca all day except play on the computer and listen to music. It’s truly a beautiful day outside but because I am the size of a small whale, I am taking cover inside where I am sweating my ass off. Hard to believe I was once able to wear a two piece bathing suit seeing as now I wouldn’t be caught outside in shorts and a tee. I remember wondering how obese people allowed themselves to get to such a vastness, now I one of those who other people wonder about. It’s a lot easier to become one of those fat people than most realize. The diet always starts tomorrow or even on Monday and this is always the last time you’ll eat like this. Behavior like that goes on for a few years then one day you wake up and you’re a blimp. Too bad losing it isn’t as easy or as pleasant as gaining it was. ( = I want to start walking again but somehow I hurt my knee a couple weeks ago. I was walking twice a day, one short morning walk (about 15 to 20 minutes) and one longer evening walk (around 30 minutes). I have no idea why I stopped, one day I didn’t feel like doing it and that became 2 days and then 3 and so on.
Now I have to begin again. Sad thing is it took me weeks to be able to walk as far as I was walking. When I started I was so completely out of shape I could only walk for about 10 or 15 minutes. Getting to 30 minutes was quite an accomplishment. I have been watching my food and cutting back on my Diet Pepsi intake for about 3 weeks now and I do notice a slight difference in not only how I feel but also in my body.
My tummy seems to have gone down a tad. It feels like it’s going to take forever to return to a normal size. So, what dirty little secret should I confess to tonight? I have been married for 25 years on May 11. Most people get less time for murder. At one time I suppose our marriage was okay, but that was ages ago. We married when we were 22 years old because I was pregnant. I truly believe if I had not been with child, we would never have married.
We are two totally different people. Our personalities are absolute opposites, I’ve always been more outgoing, louder, more opinionated, less likely to allow someone to push me around. I like to deal with issues right away. I get visibly angry. He, on the other hand, is much more withdrawn, has difficulty communicating with people and rarely speaks up against anyone. He is passive/aggressive, deals with his anger by kicking the dog. I tried to be a good mom and wife, got up at 5 am, made breakfast, packed lunches, cleaned house, did laundry, cooked dinner, baked cookies all while I worked, went to school and dealt with the kids.
Now that I think about it, I had been unhappily married for a very long time before I finally realized it. I tried to discuss this with him, I told him what I needed, wanted, and all my wishes simply fell on deaf ears. I was unhappy but he was content. One day, I got tired of being the only one who seemed to be attempting to make this marriage work so, I quit.
I quit cooking, quit cleaning and I moved out of the bedroom. Two weeks later he wanted to “talk”. I was no longer interested in “talking” or anything else. I figured eventually we’d go see a marriage councilor or something, but after awhile I realized I just do not want to spend the rest of my life with him. It’s not as if he is a bad man, he just isn’t a good husband for ME. The only reason we are still together is lack of money.
If I had any, I would have been long gone, and I am sure he feels the same. We simply exist in the same living space. I have no idea what he thinks is going to become of us in the future. Our youngest child leaves for college in the fall, leaving the oldest one (that’s a whole other story) still at home. We haven’t been a couple for six years. I haven’t had sex in 6 years!! No wonder I’m so depressed. So much for my declaration, I’m sorry it’s not all that dramatic. I’m sure sooner or later I’ll own up a few more sordid stories.
Bad marriages are pretty much run of the mill now a day. Tomorrow is my “Staring Over” day. I promise myself to call a few pharmacists to ask their advice on this “distance” college. ::keeping my fingers crossed:: I am trying to keep myself from getting too hopeful, I’ve always been told if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is, and this sounds perfect. It would be wonderful if this works out. I sooooooooooooo want this to be good. In addition to the calls, I want to put a sizeable dent in the mess around here. It is disgusting. It’s so horrible I actually have no idea where to start. Wish me luck.
( = 
