  my gosh i'm aching all over. back pain, totally tired..and headache's still here.i tried resisting to write in you bloggy, but guess i can't. coz i know once i blog in you i'll be breaking down again.what the heck. i'll just leash it out here. Look..i've tried my best. i hope that we're still together..and i'll give him all the freedom he wants and needs.
It doesn't matter about me..i just want him to be happy. I don't know what to do...i try to cheer him up..try not to seem like a over-freakish girlfriend who doesn't know what a crap to do. ARGHH DAMN IT! my heart really like..hurts you know?yesterday when it happened i could feel my body burning up..and it so scared me! i never felt like that before! never felt so scared in my entire life! i could practically feel something burning inside..arghhh...i feel my tears every night now. it's so dumb..so unreal..i've never been so hurt and felt so rejected ever before in my life. and to think that besides God,he was the closest person to me here. He never did this to me before..back then when i blurted everything out to him he could take it...the way he does it he always has a way with things. and suddenly everything just changed like that. i wish i didn't have to start about it last night. if we didn't talk about it none of that would've happened and i won't be here trying to find a way to cry my heart out online.i've cried so much i've already dried up inside...and i found out scars on my body i never knew there was.
it's so scary..God gave me strength to get through all of this..and he gave me a special angel to take care of me.that angel---->him.i remember everything..when i said' you're my angel, dear'..he just smiled and he understood.what happens now?i've tried my best..tried to make it work..but nothing seems to come out correct anymore. before this everything was so wonderful..everything just seemed so beautiful..all the more..everyday i see him i feel so blessed..that if i could only hear him speak to me for a second i'd be happy enough.
i know God loves me..more than anything..and i'm glad i'm never alone.not for a second. even through the terribly hard patches of my freakin life now..my Father up there's taking care of me and loving me. It's just so hard to feel this..to take it all in..i don't know how long more i can stand this. i thank God for such a wonderful guy in my life..a sweet boyfriend to love me and to take care of me in every way. that God is so wonderful,i love you so much Jesus. It's times like these i feel so incredibly lonely..and the pain is so hard to bear!i keep hearing the words in the morning..i remember clearly every morning when i wake up angel's name would be the thing in my mind..and this morning when i woke up, i nearly broke down.
i couldn't believe how much i actually loved him..more than i ever knew. i realized that it wasn't a dream..and i knew i how deep i'd actually fallen for this guy. God knows what i have to do now...i'm trying to study..my calling. i'm trying to concentrate well on my sch work..my calling. i'm trying..i really am..but it really makes things hard to know that someone i love doesn't feel the same way anymore.
i don't know what to say. what else can i say?i can't say anything..except pray and wish that somehow..God would show me the light and tell me whether i should still go on doing this. it hurts..everything. even when i dried my hair today..and when i switched on the fan to full blast..and..walking into my house. if i turn my head left and i see the couch...i feel just a stab of pain..like..broke my heart like crap.
well..what to do?we'll see where this takes the both of us..and somehow..that he'll be able to love me again..love me..for me.for what i am.coz you know what?i love him so much. i should've told him how much. he doesn't know..dear..i'm sorry.my weakness caused you pain..my fault again.i love you so much.. 
