  I have been told that having a personal relationship with God or with Christ is not difficult, just talk to God. If its confusion you feel or an inability to find faith, then let God know that and ask for help if you are sincere in seeking. Invite God into your life. Choose to have him in your life. Then your faith will be strong, not because someone told you to go to God but because you choose it for yourself. Right now I don’t feel him.
I just feel emptiness inside. I need him, but I don’t know how to reach out to him. I have had people tell me that when they do seek out there higher power everyday, they aren’t as selfish, as ugly to others, that they are constantly seeking to better themselves in God’s name, the way He wants them to be. Now if more people on earth did that, wouldn’t this place be a much better place to live? For me though it is so hard to trust in anyone. When I was younger I use to picture God like my brothers.
They loved me, just had a warped way of showing it. My brothers would promise me good things, then when I finally believed them I would find out it was all-untrue and usually there was some pain involved in the discovery. I use to picture God giving me this invisible carrot, (good things in my life) then when I truly believed and could see the carrot; he would yak it away from me. Or as someone put it to me once “To have what I wanted more than anything else on earth just at my fingertips and then snatched away like a piece of string dangled in front of a kitten.” And then God would just laugh and laugh just like my brothers did. I also felt like God hated me, that is why I got dealt the hand I did. Now I wonder if it wasn’t the evil in the world that was doing this to me.
If there is good there has to be bad, or how could we tell what was good? Right? We have to have both, I think, I just wish I had more of the good than the bad. I guess I really should give other people a chance before I say I can’t trust them. But then I leap in with both feet and get hurt. Lord, can you help learn who is right to trust?
I have read this somewhere: Trust is a precious thing. And we all want to protect it. But keeping our struggles to ourselves is the exact opposite of what Jesus teaches. He wants to hear all the bad in our lives as well as the thanks we send him for giving His life for us so we may be free of sin. As a child I learned all the bad had to be kept a secret. Heck, everything pretty much had to be kept a secret from someone it seemed like.
We had to deny the bad ever even happened. You can’t trust your own reality when you have to deny it ever really happened. It was really a hard way to grow up as a child. Now if I choose to follow God I need to know it is Ok to feel all my feelings. It’s OK to break through the secrets and accept what I had to deny all those years as reality. My reality.
God will listen to me I am told. He will always listen to me. And I have found a therapist who is also helping me open up and talk about the past and the present. Ever before my journey to God started – God was watching out for me and lead me to this Christian therapist. I think, no I know in my heart that what I have learned so far, is that the more I open up, the more God has the oppunity to minister to me. Yesterday I could only see my journey as full as pain.
Sometimes I get so scared, I feel the fear gripping my heart like a fist and squeezing the life out of me. And it goes one drop of blood at a time, one tear at a time. Sometimes the pain is just too much and I try to escape any way I know how so I can be free of the pain the free the doubt for a minute. But then the demons come calling again, pulling back into my private hell. At times like this I have no faith, no hopes, no joy. I welcome death because whatever awaits me after that cannot be worse.
I deserve some good sometime don’t I? I am sure there will be other times I feel this way. I just hope when I do I have the strength to know that it will not last that it cannot overwhelm me forever. That’s my hope right now anyhow. I shared this paper with someone that I love very much and who is so dear to my heart. This is what she wrote back to me: “I hope you are building a close relationship with your “angel”.
She sounds like a wonderful woman and it would make me happy to know you have someone like that in your life. I know you are really struggling and, from the things you write, I know what you are really searching and doing a lot of thinking. You may not be able to think your way to God, but I don’t think you can think your way away from Him, either. I have ordered two books for you from Amazon. One of them “What’s so amazing about grace” which played a big part in making it possible for me to come back to a belief in God when my friend Connie was dying, and I could see so clearly how her belief was defining the experience for her. And Cindy too (Cindy was the third of the trio).
I remember telling Connie how incredible it was to me that she was always able to see the best in every situation and every person. And she told me, “That’s the choice I made. It wasn’t always easy but it was my choice.” That was really powerful for me. To me, it’s not about understanding, it’s about acceptance, and all I did was choose to accept what I was seeing. My questions weren’t answered, I just stopping questioning. Oh I still do, when horrible things happen.
But hopefully I don’t let myself get stuck there for long because that is such a painful place.” Thanks sis, you are the best. Right now I feel that God does not give me answers to my prayers. No let me reword that. I do not listen to God’s answers to my prayers. I am not sure at this time of my life, in the space that I am in, that I would even listen even if He hit me over the head with a ten-foot pole. I have heard however, when God wants someone He goes out and get him or her.
Well if he is coming to get me, I don’t know why. He is God after all, maybe I better not argue huh? I wish to believe in God, cause I want so much to believe in something good. In the past I tend to believe that a human man could feel the hole in my soul. Then when they couldn’t, I would get discouraged and move on. Now I want something to lean on, something other than myself that will never let me down.
I have heard this: Jesus’ demeanor is that of being to calm the stormy waves; of conveying that everything will be all right. The point is (I have been told) that God loves me and because of His Love for me, I am worthy. I not required to do anything to become worthy except to seek after Him. It is a free gift. Anyone that is joined to the Lord is one spirit with him. Your body is a temple where the Holy Spirit lives.
The spirit is in you and is a gift from God. You are no longer your own. God has paid a great price for you. So honor Him in everything you do. Sometimes someone will ask if they can pray for me, or if they can pray with me. That always moves me so much, and puts tears in my eyes.
Prayers, regardless if you believe in them or not, are heard by God, and have real power behind them. I may not feel worthily of the prayers that others pray for me but when I hear about prayers for me it really puts a light on in my soul. Maybe also when someone prays for us it mean that God is making a house call. I would like to think that anyhow. Sometimes I think God is watching over me. Sometimes I think I feel something like maybe the “holy spirit” tugging at me.
When things could have gotten worse, but didn’t. When I need a certain person to call or come into my life, they call or show up. I think some people turn out to be “angels” and help others, like me, find our way. It seems to me like God keeps sending people, things, miracles and angels into my life so I can keep fighting. I just need to learn to turn to Him and not try to win the fight alone. I have done things in the past (and I am sure I will in the future) that I would love to take back, to undo and redo the right way.
If I could only believe, then repentance and forgiveness are there for the taking. Sometimes I did not intend things to do harm, but then harm I caused. God still offers me forgiveness I have heard because He has a great love for me. He has a great love for all, especially those that are sick, broken, blinded, despairing, confused, overwhelmed, delusional, manic, abused, alone, forgotten, hurt, etc etc. A little used verse in the Bible states that you work out your own way to salvation. I need to learn that God is a God of Love.
Even when I do horrible things, God will be there and love me. I have heard with God at your side, He will always stand by you, and maybe even send people around to give you strength or answers you need to get through your problems. The point is to know you are not alone in your struggles. When things could have gone worse but didn’t. When I need certain people to come into my life. Sometimes they do with just the answer I need, or just a smile, or just a hug.
I think some people can be “angels” for other people and help me to find my way. It seems to me like God keeps sending people, things, miracles and angels into my life so I keep fighting. I just need to learn to turn to Him and not try to live my life alone. Sometimes I imagine I here His thoughts “Ask, ask, come on, just ask. I have what you need, what you want, just ask me.” I want to ask but I just don’t know how. I have failed in so much in my life; I do not want to fail at this. 
