  I know I probably should have started this journaling thing alot sooner, but I guess I was just sortof waiting to feel better.
I used to keep a prayer journal where I would set down everything that was on my mind but it got to the point where I just couldn't find the time to do it everyday. There's alot of things that I used to make time to do but somehow it never works out anymore. Mostly I just get really frustrated with everything I'm supposed to be doing to make everyone happy and I wind up falling asleep.
I guess I'm having such a hard time right now for that very reason. I can't seem to enjoy anything that's happening right now in terms of the year ending because I can't pretend I'm not disappointed in myself for not being or doing more in high school.
I had so many goals that I'm sorry I didn't acheive. I just don't feel like I'm enough and it hurts to look back on everything. I always think about where I caused things to go wrong and what should have been done differently. My biggest fear is that I won't learn from this and I'll mess up my chances in college. It makes me so sad to think about, to the point where I don't really want to go for fear of disppointing myself and others.
I've especially always been afraid of making my parents upset and this time the pressure is even more intense because a great deal of money is also on the line. I just generally feel upset at myself and am so sad because I don't know that I will ever reach a point where I am happy. I hate being the way I am, I really do. I feel like, if I was happy with myself, then I could be a better friend, girlfriend, daughter,etc.
Going to school is tough because it makes me deal with lots of people I wish I could make happier and in turn, enjoy more. I feel awful about myself but you can never really offer that up as an excuse. I can't begin to describe to anyone the way I hate myself. When anyone asks what's wrong it's so much easier to blame it on anything else going on. So the challenge now is how do I start to like myself even if and when I screw up in the future?
But how do I also guarantee me not making stupid mistakes? I just wish I could fix everything. Hopefully this is a good first step, laying everything out like this. I just don't really know where to go from here. 
