  Nasty comments from Sandra tonight. Basically she feels as though I am making a fuss so that everyone treats me nicely. She cited Simon and the GP tickets and the fact that we have been looking at Health Clubs just "so that Jon can feel better, bugger everyone else".
There were a few other comments - basically silly ones - but with the way I am feeling they just get to me, when at any other time they would be water off a ducks back. I went to get up to go out for a cycle to get rid of my feelings but Sandra prevented me from going, with more cutting comments. We sat on the sofa in silence, for over half an hour my thoughts ranged from which knife do I use and how do I kill her, to how do I hurt myself, what would be the best way?
It was very scary. I can remember thinking at the time, this is dangerous and being really worried about it, but it didn't stop me. The room physically shook from side to side as I looked at it. If I closed my eyes, my body felt as though it was physically spinning - over and over.
The only way I could stop it was to get up and go, when Sandra left the room. I drove round for a bit, pulled up at the park down the road and went for a run, as hard as I could, in the pitch black of the park. By the time I got home and hour later, Sandra was in bed, apparently asleep. I did feel better, but I was scared, tired and low. That is the first time I can recall wanting to kill Sandra or even self harm myself. 
