  Walking home today I was in a foul mood. I think it was fitting that it was pissing rain, it only furthered my mood downward. Made me think about a string of thoughts I often have, however, normally, they are in my head separated by a lot of time. This time however, I strung them together. Basically these thoughts are simply a string of "If's" and "Maybe's" about my life. These thoughts may seem petty to people who aren't me, but to me they are very prevalent these days.
I often find myself looking at other people, and wanting to be able to be them, even if for just one day. It seems that all my life I've looked around, and seen people who are better off than me. When I was little, I thought that this was a kind of "red badge of honour. " Being poor was kind of "cool" in a distorted way. The novelty has worn off. Waiting for the bus today (god I hate taking the damned bus), I was looking at all the people driving by in their cars. These people don't realize how lucky they are. I've never known the freedom of just grabbing keys and heading out.
When I want to go somewhere I need to plan it out all the way. I always think about a conversation I had with one of Kyle's buddies about having a car (he had one). He was telling me how hard it is to have a car, and what a pain it was, etc. I asked him when he went to do groceries how long it took. 20 mins. I then explained how when I want to go do groceries, I need to make it a 2 hour trip. 30 mins to the store, 30 mins back, and about 45 mins or so in the store. Also, if it decides to start pissing rain, or snow, I gotta keep on walking.
It seems petty at times to whine like this, but dammit, I'm sick and tired of looking around seeing this type of stuff. Coming home on the bus today, I kept thinking about the lyrics to a few Eminem songs that I rather like. One is called "Rock Bottom" (lyrics can be seen here http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/eminem/rockbottom.html). He really sums up a lot of how I feel lately. The chorus goes thusly: That's Rock Bottom When this life makes you mad enough to kill That's Rock Bottom When you want something bad enough you'll steal That's Rock Bottom When you feel you have had it up to here Cause you mad enough to scream but you sad enough to tear The other song that I have been singing in my head is a song called "If I Had..." The opening line is (full lyrics here http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/eminem/ifihad.html) What is life?
Life is like a big obstacle put in front of your optical to slow you down And everytime you think you gotten past it it's gonna come back around and tackle you to the damn ground I don't often think of things in such a negative light, but it's hard not to lately. I probably shouldn't always be harping about these things, but as I said, it's hard. I don't have many prospects on the horizon, people asking me "So, what are your plans?
What have you been doing? " I just have to say, "I don't know. Just been keeping myself busy. " I want to scream, "Nothing! I haven't seen a paycheck in 7 months. I feel like a loser all the time, am having trouble sleeping, and have no clue what I want to do. " Things would have made so much more sense if that bastard principal at Chippewa hadn't screwed me the way he did. If I had to trace the source of my current unfortunate situation it would begin there (actually, it was the horrible treatment I got by Nip U over my placements). How am I not supposed to be cynical when I have had shit like that tossed at me? What type of job am I supposed to go do with a teaching degree and an honours history degree?
If I could take it back, the past 5 years, would I? In a second. I wouldn't have doubted my choice to school for computers, and wouldn't have filled my resume with the crap it has on it. I used to look at those letters, B. A. and B. Ed. with joy and pride. Now they feel like two large locks hanging from my neck, pinning me to the ground.
I try to lift my head and look up, but these letters pin me down. Oh well. Enough negative stuff for now. Things aren't all bad. I got my ma, and Julie. Dyl is starting to get his shit together (and damn am I jealous). Shit with us is getting better too. I have my little things (video games, comics, music, and books) and need to start looking ahead. I'm just hoping that I hear back from the other Japanese schools I applied for soon. Other than that I don't know what I'm going to do. Until next time. 
