  Sigh, yesterday I broke down and wrote my wife a note telling her how much I love her. I wanted to tell her in person so badly. I wanted to look into her eyes and explain how much she means to me. But I couldn't bridge the gap.
I wrote her a letter instead. Why is it so difficult for me to talk with her face-to-face ? I've never been this way before. A part of it is just that I know she's planning to move at the start of the next year ... as soon as she has the cash. It's taken some of the wind out of my natural cockiness. I'm so emotionally charged around my wife that I feel dry, mechanical, and witless. But I'm glad I found some way to unravel my feelings. I wish I could be there when she lets her creative spirit flourish.
I had looked forward to our marriage as a happy partnership where our creativity and natural playfulness bounced off each other ... where we raised a kid who would get to see the best of both our worlds. Among all the people that have passed in and out of my revolving door heart, the person that I miss most is my first wife. When she held me in her arms, I could feel her love like a warmth that spread all through me from head to toes. She made me feel needed and desired in a way that was unconditional. Unconditional love is considered remarkably passe these days.
I think the San Francisco ideal is a large pool of "friends with benefits". I hardly have the right to complain. I'm rotten about keeping in touch with people. And I stabbed my first wife in the back so many times I'm sure she lost count. Ultimately I drove her away in as slow, deliberate, and cruel a manner as possible. And I still hate myself for that. It's why I've become the exact opposite person today. Close friends, romantic or otherwise, are difficult to come by. Speaking of which, I miss some of the friends that I had in the Navy. Like Simon. I remember when his mother passed away from cancer and when he came back from the psychiatric facility in Bahrain with all his hopes and ideals about the Navy completely smashed.
Or the way it felt when I was stranded for months at sea among people I despise ... and then pulled into port and saw my good friend Scott. Going through hard times is what really brings people together. "Connection" is something that just comes naturally as the months pass into years and you share parts of your life with someone. At the very least I know that my wife's pregnancy is going to bring us closer together. 
