  OK...as this is my very first entry I would like to congratulate myself on making it through the initial fear and trepidation i felt opening myself up like this in a public atmosphere and also very difficult and long registration process...what a huge buzz-kill for my creative juices...i just wanted to start right away but the little blanks and info you must fill in took me a total of about a half an hour bc i kept fucking up for some reason(i dunno).
ok so im a tad slow this am..and i dont drink coffee so im still in a haze...i wanted to get it all out right then and there!...and unfortunately i had to go through the gamut of stupid inane bs questions ...but not too many..however, just enough for my creatively inspired and-fueled motivation to wear down into an earie hush of nothingness.
now i feel like writing a bunch of nonsensical prose or something that makes absolutely no sense to everyone but me....but i will decline the urge to do so. My point I wanna make here is this...(and I will continue to referr back to this as time moves on from one entry to the next) its that I feel so SO....alien to the world around me.
Reality is my enemy, my nemisis. I try to refrain from even mentioning the "r" word bc it shocks me into paralysis and I get all kindsa stressed out and short of breath. I have Panic Disorder up the yin yang. so much so I have suffered insomnia for the last 4 nights. What the hell is going on with my subconsious I wonder. If only I could take a magnifying glass to my brain and identify WHY i suddenly clam up when the lights go out and I tell myself to sleep.
My enemy is the dark night that tells everyone to go to bed . It tells ME something completly different. I hear " get up and do something productive" ok ok im a certified nocturnal creature. I have accepted this and Im trying to find a job that suits my nocturnal nature. But all I can think to take up is either stripping or bartending. And..as much as I would love love love to dance around a pole and lose myself in the music with some sexy moves for an audience...I know that here in NYC there is no such thing as a "flashdance" scenario. Instead...the girls at these gentlemans clubs here are more like brothel gals..waiting for a request for a lapdance.
Not for me..sorry. I think I'd rather choke on my own vomit and die. im stressed..so much is changing day to day in my own life and I think there is a puppet master pulling my strings and playing my life like a mini-puppet show. im a fucking muppet. I hate to say it but Im not really into being in the big apple any longer. I desire a life of peace and simplicity. I have seen it all. Im done.Ive sniffed so much polution and dirt in my lungs from walking the streets here that blow my nose and it comes out black sometimes.
WTF is that!!!! Someone get me the FUCK outa here bc Im so over the craziness..the music industry has worked my nerves beyond normal tolerance..the constant buzz and the crazy life. and most importantly..someone remove me from all this wreched temptation of evil! WHY in gods name is it everytime I go out to have fun I end up all kinds of mangled the next day??? because this city is FILLED with druggies and addicts of all shapes and sizes!! why do you think that may be?
bc this is a bad time to live here....the smell of repression is so thick in the air it could easily be cut with a knife. I gotta find a nice quiet beach..where I can go barefoot and live in a swimsuit. I wanna surf any time i feel the urge..i wanna wake up to the smell of the ocean...i wanna buy a nice house that i can call home.
home is where you hang your heart but my heart is so tired of being hung up in these smelly old overpriced closets that they call "studios" now which can barely fit the inhabitant of it...god forbid if they have things !...and where do I hang my heart where no one can take it and fuck with it? I am going through a pre-midlife crisis here...i should let everyone know. I wanna have kids settle down and get married. Fuck this crazy ass life Im throwing in the towel on it. And as for YOU...MR. big and bad NYC...you arent all that big..or bad.
your just a swamp that got covered with rocks to create an illusion of stability for anyone who treads on you. well i can see right through you...and you know what? your just some glorified quicksand-filled swamp full of rot. and my love/hate relationship has blossomed into the worst thing that anyone could feel about anything...just plain indifference.ok...thats all for now kiddies!more coming later on ...something more upbeat probably!
In my next entry i will try to explain why I think Im an alien. OKKKKAAAY?now go have a great and glorious day in anywhere, usa.i will be thinking of moving there soon! 
