  Not to be taken seriously. Recently, I've had something heavy weighing on my mind and it's got to the stage now, that if I don't talk about it I'll end up DOING something about it and ending up in prison. Since I've started working in the town centre, I've spent at least five minutes of each lunch break trying to avoid and more worryingly sometimes, escape from, Clipboard vigilantes. It bothers me, it really does, that they are allowed to get away with it time after time. If it's not the market researchers it's the catalogue women, and if it's not the catalogue women it's the charity collectors.
If it's not them, well you can rest assured there will be a Big issue (pronounced Gishoo) seller (officially recognised as an honorary clipboarder) there to try and hinder you in your quest to eat something before collapsing. What is worse, is the fact that they all congregate outside where I work so I would either a) have to trip the fire alarm and escape via the roof, or b) find an invisibility cloak in order to get to my lunch break un-harrased. Sometimes I pretend I am a special agent in order to make the whole ordeal a little bit more exciting and adventurous. Special Agent Inky with a mission to eat a sandwich in peace. Not very 'special' is it. Maybe, 'quite ordinary really when you think about it, agent, Inky' is more appropriate. So, the first thing that a Quite Ordinary Really When You Think About It Agent, needs to do is research (non-market). Know your enemy. We are mainly going to cover Market Researchers and Catalogue women here, though for details on the other two types of street pests, don't hesitate to ask me.
These creatures tend to wander in packs, using their clipboard as both a weapon and means of defence should the prey get too violent. They can be identified in several ways including, shiny anorak, high waisted trousers and bad haircuts from the 1980's (apologies to any clipboarders reading this) (apologies also to the 1980's, how were you to know). They have a very unusual kind of deafness, where basically they are unable to hear the word’s 'No' and 'I haven't got time'. They are usually aged from 50 to 56 and, though they might not look it, they can run like cheetahs. So now you know how to spot them, you need to know what to do when they spot you (and believe me, they will). I have done some research into this, and run a few tests, none of the tests were planned, they happened in shear desperation but amazingly, most of them were successful.
1. If you manage to clock them first, you have gained the upper hand. This is excellent news. Simply grab your mobile phone from your bag, place it against your ear and pray vocally that it doesn't ring. The clipboarders will mistake your conversation with god as a conversation with somebody of a more earthly persuasion and leave you alone.
You won't look mad because you have a phone against your head and you can walk by unhindered, (if for whatever reason they do try and stop you, glare at them and mumble something about being late to meet your parole officer, then twitch a couple of times for effect). A word of warning – if your phone rings you WILL suffer permanent hearing damage. 2. Distract them with unexpected behaviour. If you see one coming towards you, use assertive body language to express your lack of desire to speak to them.
I once tried the 'net-ball side step' manoeuvre that every teenage school girl seems to do when they're excited and the occasion calls for more than just jumping up and down on the spot. (Just an observation). If possible, make very definite 'oh no you don’t' sounds to confirm your feelings. Usually they will be so dumbfounded by your energy you will have the valuable seconds required to make a hasty exit from the scene and they will go on to cornering the next poor soul to wander their way without a crucifix. 3. Under NO circumstances should you EVER make eye contact. Once they're locked on to you you're history. It's like in topgun when the planes make the beepy noise and then all of a sudden it goes into one continuous beep and you know they're going to die.
That's what it's like, so in summer months it's handy to wear sunglasses. Keep your head down if you must, or better yet, look straight ahead with a fixed and determined gaze in the direction you are walking. Should the clipboard wielding maniac approach you, turn your head as if you have just realised there is a shop on the other side of the street that you need to go into and head in that direction. Do not look back, just keep moving until you are safely inside. Should you adopt the 'head down' method, you may be mistaken for easy prey, and it is in these circumstances I have known the clipboarders to give chase.
Actually, while I’m on the subject, I witnessed somebody just the other day, attempt this manoeuvre. It resulted in both clipboarder and prey breaking into a run, the clipboarder did indeed give chase and cut the poor woman off at the corner. She then went on to beat her into submission and dragged her away by her hair screaming something about taste tests, so be warned. 4. This one only applies to the catalogue women but it's definitely worth noting. It came from a colleague of mine who, one lunch time was pushed beyond her limit having already been offered 4 catalogues from other she-demons further down, 2 Gishoos and to participate in a local consumer research initiative.
She said at the top of her voice with a very cross look on her face 'DO I LOOK LIKE I BUY CLOTHES FROM A CATALOGUE' Actually, she does, and she was wearing them at the time but that is irrelevant. All that matters is she escaped unscathed. If You Get Caught Sadly, there will come a time in all of our lives when we will be caught unaware and unable to do anything other than listen to them while they reel off their opening line.
The game is far from over though so don't despair. If you are stopped by a catalogue woman and the usual No gets ignored, ask if they have a hardcore S&M section since you’ve been wanting some new nipple clamps for ages now and the shops just don’t seem to stock them like they used to. They will usually look horrified at the request and turn a funny red colour. If however they say 'Yes, Page 92' well, you're on your own. If you are stopped by a market researcher and again, the No isn't working, simply say 'Cheese' to anything she asks you (unless she is asking about cheese). Actually, you can use any random word as long as it bares no relevance to the questions being asked, animal noises are also excellent.
It might take a few minutes for her to give up but the fun you will have messing with her mind far outweighs the time lost. Finally, I would like to wish you all luck in the future. I suspect if news of this little piece of literary genius gets out in the clipboarding world I will become their prime target, each of them will take turns in tormenting me, forcing me to come up with new and exciting ways to avoid them. You may even read in upcoming news letters 'Unidentified Coma-Girl critical after unprovoked beating by angry mob using clipboards'. Don't cry for me though, it will be completely worth it. Now, who wants a catalogue? 
