  Yesterday I decided to join my family to visit my uncle and his Thai wife, who celebrated her 50th birthday with friends and family. The only reason why I went there was because of the Thai background of my aunt. Since I am half Indonesian myself, I've been to a lot of Asian European birthday celebrations. These are far less static and much more fun than Dutch ones. I try to avoid Dutch birthday gatherings whenever I can, because I find them to be boring most of the time. Besides, they're always the same. Have you been invited to a Dutch birthday party? Here's a short guide that might help you to survive it.
At a common Dutch birthday bash, the first guests usually arrive between 20.00 and 21.00 'o clock. We Dutch have a tight schedule to keep, so don't even think about showing up earlier or later. This will not be appreciated! Upon arriving at the house of the host, the entry procedure will start. After entering his home, you congratulate the host. You also hand over your birthday present as if it were an entrance fee. What to take with you as a present?
A bottle of wine or another alcoholic beverage is a perfect choice if you don't know the host very well. The Dutch also have a habit of giving each other money as a birthday gift. A sum of 12-15 euros is sufficient. Be sure to put the money in an envelope or a Hallmark card, otherwise you will be frowned upon. Money is the ideal gift for people you don't really care about, because you'll probably receive the same amount of money from the host when he visits your birthday party. This makes the money transfer somewhat symbolic. Of course you can also buy a more personal gift, but don't exaggerate.
We Dutch have an appropriate saying for occasions like this: 'Acting normal is crazy enough'. This means that showing up with very expensive presents is not done. Other guests might feel guilty about their inferior gifts! Congratulations! You've made it to the living room. The gathering takes place in this room only. Of course you can celebrate a brief, personal party in the bathroom, but that's it. The rest of the house is off limits, so don't start walking around! When entering the living room, be sure to shake hands with the other guests and introduce yourself.
After this, sit down on one of the chairs that are put down in a circle. Usually people remain on the same seat for the duration of the evening, so after the introduction, it's only important to remember the names of the persons sitting next to you. Yes, that's right, during the traditional Dutch birthday party guests don't mingle for intimate conversations. You are socially bound to the persons sitting next to you for the remainder of the evening, so be careful about the seat you choose! Have you finished talking to your direct neighbours? No problem! Because of the circle in which the guests take place, Dutch birthday parties resemble group therapy sessions.
This means you can always join in on one of the ongoing group discussions. When everyone has arrived, coffee is being served, as well as slices of birthday cake. Remember, there is only one piece of cake for every guest. It doesn't matter whether the host has truckloads of cake in the kitchen or not, it's just not polite to ask for more. Between 21.30 and 22.00 'o clock, everyone has had one or two cups of coffee and a part of the cake. At his point, the host will start serving soda's, alcoholic beverages and snacks. These snacks are sometimes passed along the circle of people on dishes, before they are put on a table in the centre.
The food is always the same. Usually there is an assortment of nuts, potato chips, cheese, crackers and salads to choose from. If the food is placed on the table immediately. Don't start eating right away. You have to wait until someone else makes the first move, or until the host says something like: 'I don't want to be left with any leftovers, people'. Feeling thirsty? You are not allowed to fetch yourself another drink. Don't you dare to ask for one either.
The host will offer you a beverage when it suits him. You'll get three or four refills, depending on what time you leave the gathering. You can begin to think of going home around 23.00 or 23.30 'o clock. Social control prevents you from leaving the party any earlier, unless you have a very, very good excuse, like an early appointment the next day. If you're not sure about when to leave, wait until someone else gets up to go home and join him. Before leaving it's OK to shake hands with all the other guests, but save yourself the trouble, because this is not necessary. Screaming goodbye to the entire room and to no one in particular will suffice. Now the exit procedure will commence.
The host will accompany you to the hall where you fetch your coat. Don't walk out the front door immediately. Take your time to talk to the host personally for a couple of minutes. He's been busy serving snacks and drinks the entire evening, so you've probably not spoken much to him. Thank him or her for the party and leave the house. Now inhale the fresh air and rejoice, you have just survived a traditional Dutch birthday party... 
