  urlLink > i want the world to fall asleep for a few seconds today, it felt like autumn in new england. a cool breeze sprung up from nowhere as i walked on a deserted street in oakland, and it set some fallen leaves in motion. i was instantly reminded of the fall weather from my childhood, and the memory made me pause, breathless. the moment lasted for only a few seconds, and then the breeze subsided and the leaves scuttled around and finally lay still. the warmth of the day returned, and i knew once again that i was in california. even after four years, california seems foreign to me. in new england, the cyclical nature of the seasons affected my mood greatly. the cycle became part of me, and vice versa--although i mostly took it for granted. i assumed that it was simply the way nature worked. i was right, too, but nature only works that way in new england. in california, the weather remains relatively constant throughout the year. the long, dry northern california summers are briefly punctuated by a month and a half of rain, and then the pattern repeats.
these are the two california seasons--dry and wet. people will still play frisbee outside (in shorts! ) in december here, when the sun breaks through the clouds and the temperature rises again from 50 to 70 degrees. in essence, nothing changes here... nature lies still, warm and stagnant, unaffected by time. i think this weather affects me adversely.
i can see how days stretch into weeks which stretch into months after months, with little to distinguish any one time from another. the first week of fall semester feels much like the last, and hence it easily becomes blurred in my memory, and leaves me feeling disconnected with even the most recent past. in new england, on the other hand, you learn to feel the seasons change. as fall begins, the trees change color and lush green forests turn bright red and orange. as the temperature drops, the leaves fall and cover the ground. the air becomes crisper, and the earth, grass and trees all grow hard. the nights are particularly invigorating and feel almost electrically charged. most noticable, though, is the noise. as creatures (both human and otherwise) begin to spend more time inside their homes than out, a great quiet descends on the world. the cold air seems to carry any sound far, but there is usually nothing to carry. the result is that you become acutely aware of your surroundings--your senses honed--and you feel very alive, but equally alone.
the damping of noise is even greater in the winter, when snow smothers the landscape. at night, in the snow, it is easy to think that you've been trapped inside a snow globe, for the ground is bright white, the sky pitch black and empty, and not a single noise can be heard. i feel as though it is in this weather that my mind is most alive. however, the sense of being alone is so strong that i spend most of that time feeling introspective.
i can easily understand why depression is so often linked to this kind of weather--indeed, i often feel that way myself--but it is not unwelcome. it feels, in fact, quite healthy. what is happening is that the world is going to sleep for the winter. the days grow short, animals hole up in their houses, and trees shed their leaves and stop growing. this entire process takes only about 4 months--from september through december--and each day therefore has its own unique temperature and emotion attached. living through this weather leaves me feeling quite grounded in reality, and connected to the natural world around me. as winter faded into spring, the feelings of deep introspection passed and i felt more social once again. i grew accustomed to associating the return of warm weather with the end of the school year, and therefore there were many happy emotions attached to this part of the cycle as well. moving to california has felt like being torn from the natural world. i went from a large, beautiful campus in the middle of the woods to a developed urban sprawl--from a place with chaotic yet cyclical weather to the most placid environment possible.
i felt deeply connected to the world and its seasons when i was in high school, and now i feel as though the connection has been severed, leaving me floating in a world where everything is blurry, and every day feels the same. perhaps i'm kidding myself when i think that portland, oregon is the right city for me to live in. perhaps i will only feel that connection in new england, and perhaps that connection is essential to me. it's hard to tell. all i know for the moment is that i'm stuck in california, stuck in college, and everything is hazy and grey. for four years, my world has been awake, but in stasis--as though kept alive only by a medicine that clouds reality. what i would like most of all right now--what i desperately need--is for the leaves to fall from the trees, the ground to harden, the air to become clear, and the world to fall asleep, exhausted. 
