  Days away from going home. where by the way,  I nor my family owns a home. that's the only definition I have for a place like Miami,  where I spent at least 5/ 13 of my life.
I'm nervous.  I'm going to see him,  my friends,  one of which is scheduled to take the big plunge on the 31st of July,  so a bachelorette- ing we will go.
 Speaking of which all this talk of weddings ( the Armenian is headed for the altar in September,  another wedding to go to)  has got me in a weird mood.  I'm starting to look at babies and couples and all the " Family Circle"
 like cover pictures that pop up everywhere.  I am fighting that biological clock with a wrench,  I mean I'm in no position mentally,  emotionally or geographically to say I'm ready to settle down.  I barely know where I will be in one year much less a lifetime,  that's the catch to this "
last resort"  med school option I've chosen.  My residency could have me in the Tristate area,  to S.  Florida to Hawaii,  if it were all up to me.
 But those cheeks and little hands,  and the young power couples with the little teacup dogs,  pale green walls,  wood floors and dark wood and steel furniture,  god,  this is really starting to appeal to me.
 It's not a little but a lot weird,  because of me because within the last few years I've changed so much.  The Armenian and I were smoking cigs ( a true sign that I may not yet be wifey- ready) and he told me that he used to fight this one demonic image that kept popping into his head.
waking up grabbing a half put out cig,  and a bottle of black label and that's how he would commensurate his day,  how now,  that demon has left his being. Well. my eyebrows raised,
 I looked at my toes,  looked into the house where a pile of papers and books crowded the coffee table and thought.  As recently as 2001,  I was struggling with the demon in actuality,  how lost I was. I can't imagine the same disregard for my future,
 the same blur of hangovers and strobe lights,  overdue bills,  just lost.  I want a test run with a baby puppy,  I want to see if I demonstrate enough patience,  the love portion,
 let's just say I've been waiting a lifetime to give it all away. Anyone who knows me a little too well,  would probably laugh at the thought of me driving a van with little kids screaming,  actually they probably could picture me driving a bus with little kids screaming,  but point being. I get befuddled (
new favorite word)  because I want to sit on the floor and play with tinkertoys,  not by myself with a little kiddie,  oh my god my kids are going to have to be raised in a very old school house because technology surpasses my grasps,  hopefully their father will know a thing or two about X- cube or game box or whatever.
 Oh. the father,  well. it would be dreamy. safe would be the word. I don't know but I wish I had more than a wrench to stop the seconds from ticking away.
