  np: Alice in Chains - "Would? " (This music is exactly fitting my mood this week) ----------------------------- Ugh, I didn't get to bed until 1:30 am last night, and I slept in until 7:15 because I was so tired. I just threw on jeans and an $ISP shirt and packed my breakfast. I was still late! I am late every day. I am terrible about getting up on time and getting to work on time!
I made myself stay later today to make up for being late...I really need to go to bed earlier so I can get up earlier. I technically should get up around 6:00-6:15 am if I really want to look nice, do my hair, makeup, etc. Argh, the kittens are running amok today, especially Luna! She is usually a good girl but she is driving me crazy! ... Ok, nothing a little play-time won't fix. ;) It's so funny and cute - I have these two long streamers on sticks, and one has a tuft of feathers at the end.
I wave it around and they will jump 2-3 feet in the air and twist around trying to catch it. They run around chasing it with their little mouths open and it is so dang cute! :D They get themselves so worked up that they start panting with their little tongues hanging out, then invariably they flop on the floor for about 5 minutes to catch their breath, maybe go play with something on their own for another 15-20 minutes, and then about 1/2 hour later they are snoozing. It's great. :) .... Ok, I started writing that earlier and now it is 11:50 PM. Well, I had a just lovely evening.
Around 8;00-ish maybe, Pat calls me up asking if I had a little cat dish to borrow, because the downstairs neighbor 's cats got out, AGAIN. She and her boyfriend are maybe 2-3 years younger than me, but they are such immature spazzes sometimes - your basic partyer type who doesn't always give much forethought to things, like consequences! Well, my two kittens are the sisters to her kitten and she still has the mama cat, Jingles. After most of the kittens were given homes and the boy kitten, Bristol, was pretty much weaned, of course she got into heat again and was constantly trying to get out. So what does Chastity do? Leaves the windows open and the cats unattended, and I swear Jingles was getting out every time you turned around, and of course she got pregnant again.
Sometime before I took the girls, I mentioned to her that Animal Friends here in Pgh has a low-cost spay/neuter program based on your income. She could have called the number and looked into that and been responsible, but she went out camping/partying a bunch of times and spent a lot of money on beer (she was complaining about it the one day about how she blew all her money drinking). She never bothered to stop and think, "Hrm, if I skip the beer/camping for a month, I can afford to get Jingles fixed. And in the meantime, maybe I should keep the windows closed so the cat can't get out. " You know? Basic common sense.
So anyway, Bristol was stuck up in a tree down the hillside a bit from our parking lot, and Jingles was nowhere to be found. Luckily as we were trying to get Bristol out of the tree, Chastity and her boyfriend Kevin came back, and Kevin climbed the tree and got Bristol out. Pat was out cleaning out his car, so I figured, what the hell, might as well join him since I needed to clean my car too. (It hasn't been cleaned since before I moved in! Bad me, bad! ) Chastity came out to talk to us after a while, and don't get me wrong, she is a nice person and can be really friendly, but sometimes I just want to shake her and give her a smack upside the head!
I think she is still in that phase of not really wanting to accept the responsibility/reality of living on your own. She was saying that she hoped Jingles stayed away and someone else found her, because "she has been such a pain in the ass". Well, you moron, if you'd gotten her fixed she wouldn't have tried to get out constantly to obey instincts she had no control over! Now the poor thing has to have another litter of kittens after just having had a litter in March, and those poor kittens will need to have homes found for them. Hopefully the people who adopt them will get them all spayed and neutered, and Chastity will get Jingles spayed. If she doesn't I will do it myself!
If I can afford it, maybe I can pay to get them all spayed/neutered through the Animal Friends program. It just breaks my heart to think of how many animals across America are treated exactly the way she takes care of hers. People just don't think sometimes. Pet overpopulation is the saddest thing, and no animal deserves to have to go through that constantly. There are millions of animals killed every year because they couldn't find homes. Ok, so anyway, to continue....she was bitching because Kevin did a bunch of car work for a friend of a friend in lieu of owing one of them a bunch of money, or something.
They were counting on the car-owner to pay him for the work, because they were going to use that to pay their rent. Well, they aren't getting it and are broke, and got their 10-day eviction notice today. They keep doing this - are late on the rent and make excuses to the landlord and scrape it together at the last minute. But they are still planning on going camping this weekend! I just don't understand people like that. Well, that got us to talking about friends who don't hold up their end of their bargains, esp.
with money, and that kinda got my back up because Pat is the one who said that, and I thought he was making a jab about me owing him that money from when he helped me out with rent money back in June. I had just gotten hired at $Deli and hadn't gotten paid yet from there, so he lent me $300, which I was going to pay back when I could. So that kinda made me mad. The conversation drifted in and out of other topics, and then Tim (Pat's roommate and our friend) came home from work and the three of them started talking and went over to her car. I kept working on my car, and they were over there talking with Chastity, because, of course, they are single guys who will do anything to see tits or ogle a pretty girl, and they always talk about Chastity whenever they get a "look" at something. It really makes me sick sometimes the way they talk (they both sound like dirty old men), but I think Chastity knows they check her out and probably thinks it's funny.
Anyway.... That kind of got me even madder, because shit like that always makes me feel about this big . With the way I look right now, there is no way I can compete with a girl like her, and it makes me so mad! I just hate how our society pits women against each other, and how much it feels like the backlash against women has succeeded, esp. for younger women my age and under. There is SO MUCH PRESSURE now to be a thin little hottie who wears a thong all the time and looks like they just stepped out of a Cosmo ad. Pgh is overrun with so many little yuppie princesses who can afford to look perfect that someone like me just has no chance.
It makes me so angry, angry for more than one reason, because no one would give me a second glance with the way I look right now. I also get so angry at myself for letting myself get to this point....but that is where my struggles with depression and low self-esteem and my ridiculously fucked-up life come into play. You can only go through so many hellish experiences before they break you and you give up on caring about anything, including yourself. I feel like, "I don't deserve to be passed over all the time", but then I have to face reality - people don't like to "settle" for someone who looks like me when there are so many girls out there who are willing to go the extra mile to look good and be attractive. I understand that a person is only going to be attracted to a certain "type", and maybe I am just not that type. Maybe it is my personality, too, or I am too shy to make a move when I think someone might dig me, despite my size.
I don't know. I have too much of a reflex now to protect myself from being hurt and embarrassed, so maybe I flinch away from situations now where I could meet people. That is one thing my friend Pat doesn't understand - Gods forbid he ever reads this blog, but he prides himself on always telling the truth, so maybe he could appreciate it - if you don't take care of yourself, and expect someone to like you, that's just not going to work. For all that people think "it's what's on the inside that matters", that is definitely true, but if you aren't even slightly attracted to the person's outside, then nothing is going to happen! At least for me, I have to find *something* attractive in a person for anything to happen. With Pat, he wears schlumpy clothes, doesn't do anything with his hair, doesn't try to look good, doesn't watch what he eats, etc.
He is paranoid about people making fun of him because his left arm is shortened by birth - it only goes down to a little past the elbow. (I think his mom was given that drug that caused all those birth defects - I can't remember the name offhand. ) But no one really cares about his arm after they meet him. I think if he lost some weight, did something with his hair, tried to look nice, etc., he would look a lot better, and maybe then someone would want to go out with him! That is why, although I try to look nicer now and take care of my appearance, I am overweight enough that I have to be realistic that it would probably have to take a miracle for me to find someone who would find me attractive right now despite my weight. Another thing that irritates me is that Pgh seems to be overwhelmingly full of jock-type guys.
I love smart, nerdy guys, and I have a weakness for goth boys. :) I'm still a goth at heart, but it is hard enough being fat where I live that being a fat goth will just get you shit on that much worse. So I try to be minimalist about it. ;) I still wear lots of black, still listen to the same music, etc., but I toned my look down a lot because I was so tired of the negative attention I got. A thin goth girl is considered sexxee by most guys, but a fat goth girl definitely isn't. :( Anyway...I keep getting on these big tangents!.....when they were over there talking to her, that made me feel crappy and I got angry, so I finished up my car and drove off to go to the car wash, then I decided I would drive around a little and listen to my new CDs.
(Still doing the Alice in Chains CD right now! ) I also decided I would stop at a mac machine and get Pat the money I owed him and slip it under their door when I got home, just to make a point. (The points being twofold - a. ) here's your damn money, and b. ) don't piss me off! ) When he got back from going to the carwash himself, he figured I was pissed off and came down to talk to me.
So we started talking and then I got all upset and started crying, just because I feel so overwhelmed with stuff this week. Part of it is about Mom, part about Stacey (The Bitch), part this I-am-so-tired-of-feeling-unattractive-and-socially-shunned-and-being-single phase, part of it money worries....I had to ask to get the balance on my new credit card raised to cover my balance transfer and the few things I bought, and then I had to go and run the card back up that I did the balance transfer on, because I had all of these bills come all at once. I had to pay $228.59 for my health insurance (it went up about $40), and I had a dentist bill come that I had forgotten about for $100. I also had to pay for my first installment of my rental insurance, my phone bill, I needed cat supplies and groceries, etc., etc. I have to pay my rent two weeks late to boot. :( Well, they gave me a hefty balance increase, and I had enough on it to get Pat his money, so I figured, what the hell.
I am already in debt up to my eyeballs between my credit cards and student loans, so at least I might as well pay Pat back and have one less thing to prey on my mind. Now I only have to pay my dad back, and start a payment plan for these CCs. At least on my new CC, there is no interest for something like 6 mos. to a year, so that's good! I have to schedule my classes and am still waiting to hear if I can get any grants from the state, but hopefully I will get a good refund this semester. If I can swing it, I will pay my rent and health insurance, get my books, and then whatever is left I will throw on my CCs.
I have (eeek! ) three to pay off. :/ I know, bad me! I just never seem to have enough money to go around, and then I get hit with a big bill for something, and that is why I keep having to use my CCs to cover what I am not making in my paychecks. At least, I cut the one up, and I think I will try to pay that one off first. After that I will cancel the account.
Then I will pay off my first CC, and pay half of the one with the non-interest. I should be able to chip away at it during the semester, and then with next semester's refund, I can pay it off. I want to get down to just one CC with a low balance, maybe something like $300. It is just way too easy for me to get into massive CC debt and buy things I can't afford. I have been in this cycle of credit card debt for probably a good 8-10 years now, and I just can't afford to live the rest of my life like this! Heck, even if I have to pay my health insurance out of my pocket during the semester, if I can just cover my rent and pay off my major CC, that will be a huge step in the right direction.
This of course does not mean that I don't have a ton of other things that I have to pay for and can't afford, but that's another deal for later! Ok...to finish my little saga, Pat came down to try and give me the money back, and like I said we started talking and I just got all worked up and started crying about all this stuff. I think Pat was kinda freaked out in the "oh-no-helpless-man-crying-girl" way, but at least he listened and tried to offer some constructive criticism. *sigh* My life feels so overly complicated at times, and ridiculously simple at others. I think I just need to find someone compatible and have a friend-with-benefits. There's (almost) nothing wrong that a little sex can't help!
;) Oh man, one of the kittens just took a shit and it is stinking up the whole apartment....ewwww! LOL...ok, gotta go do potty duty and then take a shower and go to bed. See what I mean about not going to bed before 1:00 am this whole week?!? Bad me, bad, bad, bad. Night! 
