  I am lost. My life have never been this way. Of course, I've only lived for 24 years, I never had any affair, and my only fight was such a joke. I can find a hundred sentences from all the books I read to point out that I am sick and perverted right now.
And I know I really need help. But what I don't know is everthing. I am lost,really seriously completely lost. My mom asked me yesterday, could I see myself out in this world making my living. I cannot answer her. The only thing was fear when I heard the question. My mind is blank these days. I don't think anybody would believe me, neither am I! There must be something in my mind! I am just too scared to touch it! I have to hold my cover in bed as someone I loved so dearly, then I can go sleep. When I wake up, I was in desperation most of the time. The only thing happens to be in my mind is I love her, I don't love her.
I hold my sheet tightly as she's in my arm, tightly against my chest. I so want her to be by my side. Such fierce longing. But I have to tell myself that it is fate! It is not true. I know it's not. Even now, just by tying about it, I feel heavy in my chest though I know exactly it is not real. I'll stop now, before it get worse. happy dreams. NoNo 
