  Five Steps... to being a good teenager As I was surfing through some blogs, I noticed that most blogs here are owned by teenagers. Now don't get me wrong, I don't dislike teens or anything. Hell, some of my best friends are teenagers! Well, no, that's not true. But I can accept a teen in my heart if I truly must, like when I am forced at gunpoint to swallow living HIV infected puppies pierced with rusty nails. I've also noticed a peculiar thing: all teenagers are alike.
Now I can start blabbing away at how when I was that age, I was much more superior and sophisticated, and while this is partly true, I do realize I was guilty of some of the very same things that makes me want to hurl when I read these dumbass blogs. I present to you: five easy steps to become a successful teenager! Hello there! Yes, you! Are you bored with your happy life? Love your parents, teachers and school?
Do you wake up with a smile on your face every morning? Have no fear, for I am here to make you hate, cry and fall in love at the drop of a hat. I bring you: The Complete Guide to Being a successful Teenager! Only $55.95. We are not responsible for extra sunny mornings, please read our policy . Step 1: hate school No matter how many friends, good grades and fabulous teachers you have, you must absolutely loathe going to school.
School is nothing but an absolute regime created by a totalitarian government to hold down the people and collect your hard earned allowance to squander on weapons and cannons and stuff! Bad president! Bad! Helpful tips to achieve step 1: listen to System of a Down. Step 2: life isn't fair! You know we are all out to get you.
This isn't a mental mirage created by your immature and hormonal imbalanced mind. The world truly hates you. There is noone on this planet that has it worse than you do. There is no fate worse than not having enough allowance to buy you those new Calvin Kleins or being able to stay out until the wee hours of 2am! It just isn't fair! Helpful tips to achieve step 2: listen to Limp Bizkit.
Step 3: be lonely and sad and write some poetry about it Since the world is so unfair to you, (see step 2) you can't help it but feel depressed and lonely. It seems nobody really likes you, no matter how hard you try. Not even your parents do. Nobody understands. It's a lonely world and the only way you can cope with this new found concept is to write some gloomy poetry about it. Some examples of successful teenage poetry: "fear...darkness...life // no longer will i live here // no longer will i laugh and love // i understand now // fear...darkness...life // take this bullet // i end it here // all is dark // fear...darkness...life" Helpful tips to achieve step 3: listen to The Cure.
Step 4: never talk or spell like a normal human being EvEn iFF u r a v3rii kL3Vah t33nagah and noe da pRoPa way ta sp3ll "words," u, lik3, cann0t aLl0w ne1 ta fInD dis 0ut! It is cr00cial ta ur survival as a t33nagah dat u pr3t3nd ta b an abs0lUt3 3mptii aIrh3ad wit no sp3lLing skillzZzZz whats03vah, d00d. Helpful tips to achieve step 4: listen to Eminem. Step 5: whine about suicide but never actually do it There is no teenager more successful than the one who threatens to kill him or herself. Why struggle through this empty, harsh existence? It's not worth it.
It's not fair and nobody understands. Just end it. I will! I'll do it! RAISE MY ALLOWANCE OR I WILL KILL MYSELF! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
DON'T LECTURE ME, I WILL NOT CLEAN MY ROOM! WHY ARE YOU SO UNFAIR! Helpful tips to achieve step 5: listen to Britney Spears. I hope this helped you a bit in your quest to become a good teenager. If you are already a teenager, but do not feel any angst, then you simply are not normal and I suggest you start threatening you hard working parents with suicide. 
