  Greetings all! I'm having a most excellent time here in Edinburgh. As you can imagine, I am also driving the locals insane. Check out all the fine things I’ve had said to me. 1) Fat bastard from Austin Powers is not a hero to the Scottish people. Stop bringing it up. 2) Chain mail is not a tax write off even if you are "king Arthur reincarnated". 3) Wearing a kilt without underwear has not been a practice of ours for many, many years. However, we would enjoy and encourage you to do so. 4) King Arthur is neither real nor Scottish. Please stop demanding to see the sword in the stone. 5) Yes, we know what a razor is. But shaving (faces, pits, legs etc. ) Cuts into our drinking time.
So bugger off you big, blond shaving obsessed American. 6) How can you possibly be cold? We're in the middle of a heat wave. Perhaps you should stop staggering about half-naked and go put on some pants. 7) (From some bagpipe players) no, we don't know "kill you" by Eminem. Please stop requesting it. 8) Bijork is not even Scottish. Please stop insisting the entire country is going to hell for "releasing that yowling generation x Yoko Ono onto the rest of the world".
(sorry Vicky) 9) You're still cold? Drink more beer that’s warm at least. 10) Shagging on the links? Is that another fat bastard/ Austin Powers crack? You've been warned. 11) The entire population is truly a six pack away from being as queer as a football bat. But nobody gets offended when you tell them that because, loosely translated it means, "your soccer equipment is odd and drunk". Well that's all the offensiveness for now. I'll write again later in the week. Love, Valerie 
