  Laying in the street Translation: Drinking and general silliness in a bar. If you’re at home or at your friends’ home it’s called laying in the driveway. The driveway part Vicky gets credit for. (Yeah, I know it should be lying. But that’s not what it’s called. ) Off his/her leash Translation: Some small child is running free in public.
Usually followed by mishap then tears. Also works for adults who are recently single, currently unsupervised, etc. Those pants are unfortunate Translation: Those pants are hideous and you are not cool. Also works for hairstyles, shoes, etc. Stolen from Deb That’s just crazy talk Translation: Your opinion varies wildly from mine. I’ve heard this everywhere.
When I was a kid, on TV, etc. At least I’m not out robbing liquor stores Translation: Justification for something colossally moronic I’ve just done. I’m just five minutes away Translation: I’m really seven to forty-five minutes away depending on how lost I am now, how lost I’m about to become and how many times I need to stop and pee. Where you going in those pants, 1984? Translation: Those pants are outdated and I am mocking your wardrobe. Any article of clothing, or hairstyle, and any year will work.
Stolen from Friends. I see your mom let you dress yourself this morning Translation: More mocking of your wardrobe. Have you been drinking? Translation: You’ve just suggested something insane. Much more amusing if they clearly have not been drinking. If they have been drinking then the correct response is, “quite a bit actually.” Response stolen from Buffy.
Monkey Translation: Infant or child Delinquent Translation: Teenager Toddlers Translation: young women just old enough to drink. You are not cool. Nor are you hip or happening. Where’s Heather going? Translation: Where’s insert name here going? Stolen from Heathers and, more recently, from Deb.
It’s especially annoying and amusing if the persons’ name is actually Heather. What’s your damage? Translation: What’s your problem jackass? Stolen from Heathers. Stagger Translation: Walk The Royal we Translation: I’ve just been included in something I’m sure I don’t want to be involved in. “When we arrive we are going to be nice and act right.” “You must mean the royal we because I will not be doing those things.” Act Right Translation: I really have no idea what this means I have no response to that Translation: OK.
Uh huh. All right. Indicates I am actually listening to your story but I’m not invested enough (and by invested I mean interested) to make any opinions at this time. Or, on rare occasions, it means the opinion I have of what you’ve just said would get me smacked in the mouth if I actually voiced it. Is it difficult or time consuming? Translation: You’ve just asked me to do something.
It’s a rude response that implies that I’m an obnoxious, lazy cow and it was stolen from Buffy. And this concerns me how? Translation: Your story is long and I’m loosing interest fast. Get to the part where you ask for my help so I can ask if it’s difficult or time consuming or go get me another drink. Hopped up on Translation: Acting all wacky and jumpy cause you’ve had too much sugar, red dye, caffeine, endorphins, liquor etc. Back in the day it was used exclusively for drug use but that’s just boring.
You’re pretty. Wanna make out? Translation: Stolen from Angel and it’s really just about being the most inappropriate thing to say. Vibrating with health Translation: You’ve just put something in your body that makes you feel immediately better. Like spinach, Guinness, chicken soup, etc. You pervs, I know what you were thinking.
McKenna got it from a Thai restaurant review and I stole it from her. Challenged Translation: Added to the end of stuff to explain shortcomings. I am “directionally challenged” and “time management challenged”. Someone I know gets called, “pop culturally challenged” but it’s not true, her old lady is wrong. All of you are “attention span challenged”. The music of my people Translation: Vicky said this to me a while back as I was squealing over some Kid Rock song.
And it made perfect sense. White trash, me, Kid rock. Yep, the music of my people. It works with anything, not just music and it’s the perfect way to work pop culture into your ancestral back ground. “The pop tarts of my people.” “The beer of my people.” And all that that implies Translation: It just sounds menacing. “I talked to Heather this morning and all that that implies.” Hmm, was there more than talking going on?
Has Heather joined a coven? Was there any hairpulling? It evils up the most mundane statements. Stolen from the Iron Giant Piffle Translation: Trivial. Inept. God, I love Spike.
Don’t go Translation: Don’t go Grab ass Translation: Unfortunately this sounds like something wrong. It isn’t, it’s just silly. When I was a kid this is what would ensure every time my dad pulled out the camera. “Girls, stop with the grab ass for five seconds so I can get a decent picture!” So now we have tons of pictures where one sister is crying, the other looks like she just got goosed (cause she did) and me sporting an evil smirk. The fine game of grab ass hasn’t lost its appeal now that we’re adults either. No more tears just lots of pushing, shoving and mayhem.
My nephew has taken it to a whole new level by incorporating prat falls into the scenario. It’s making a come back. I hear it on TV all the time. Not just for families any more, fun to play with your friends too. I see it’s obvious day at camp stupid Translation: Duh. Stolen from the Aqua teen hunger force.
Haven’t heard me say this? Get ready, it’s number one with a bullet. While I don’t so much use the following phrases as hear them, I still decided to include them. Because, you know, more with the funny. It’s not you, it’s me Translation: It is so, completely you We should just be friends Translation: You are highly entertaining. Sadly, you are still a troll.
Never touch me because I cannot afford therapy until I’m a hundred. What is wrong with you?! Translation: doesn’t really need a translation but the answer is clearly and always, “ everything .” 
