  It is my last night here a la bourgeois. Tonight ends my 4 year relationship. Thank god for miracles. I have been praying for as long to finally be released. He’s strong, and brave. He’s finally being cool with everything.
He was insane with jealousy last night. This evening as soon as Sugh left, he was fine. Excited for a job interview with DW whatever. I hope he would get it. If it meant that he was no longer so poor and discontent - than fine. That’s all that would matter to me.
I don’t want to be part of his bad hand. And also, he was fated to be my lover. I knew this walking into it. As expressed to Sugh, “When I came home from W, I was 23 and a complete mess. I’d been on chemicals and naturals for a year and change. I went down hard.
It was bad. I needed R’s help, and I accepted all of his invitations. Summer of love 2ooo! We had been friends for many years. Since I was 17 I had loved him. 1o years to idealize a man is no small feet.
To stand beside him for 1o more would have been my own resignation. My own interpretation of this relationship. I am not angry. Simply done. Simple our time had expired. I was no longer receiving any kind of stimulus, and I couldn’t be satisfied.
Now I don’t feel bad about this. Certainly I feel that in our time, people come and go, walking about like armadillos. Also my broad perception of family extends this relationship. I know that I have healed a strange and significant part of myself. I do hope to inspire AD as she is exactly who I was. Only much more supported and grounded that I ever was.
This I don not fault my folks for. Simply the inexperience of their own lives. My own experience has lent itself well for the development of that 13 year old. And of course if she really does end up coming here, well, I most certainly intend on continuing my course of relationship with her. I never fooled her into believing that I was her mother, or that she was a daughter. I knew from experience that this was a stronger relationship to pursue out of friendship with her rather than the actual bond between parents.
Also, knowing that my departure is disappointing to her, and painful. I maintain that when she is 27 and dying to get out of her given situation, I will be there to bust er out. Why? Because I am infact one of the strongest women in the universe. And so humbled. Meanwhile, I thank everyone for everything they did, thought, prayed for and inspired me to do this.
All of it. I do attribute my success for that kind of support. Directed or not, intended or not. It worked so thank you. And God. Whom I’m just trying to follow.
And now and now and now!!!! How many times did I hear Sugh quote me with “Ahead ahead ahead” and my muttering “Left right left” with tears in my eyes, and fear of the unknown. So thanks to Sugh for turning 3o - and having such a good time. Caribanna was the best parade I’ve ever been too. Nice folks, made me feel real good. Sorry we had to part due to circumstances beyond our control.
Thanks Sugh for always being prepared for anything, and always forgiving me for midnight runs. This time, I walk with my head up. Through the front door with only the stuff I came into this with. Nothing less. R. Was decent about the extra stereo equipment and speakers, also I can bring the computer with me. Oh yes - thanks Sugh for the favour in a few months.
Hope you can come over and program it too. Atta girl. The best kind for right hand turns. And scared skinny elbows and ankles. Miss Smith. Ahhhh mah darlin.
Found me a ride cross town. This time I’m going to lift that damn couch down those steps myself. Last time I stood behind it and kicked it with my boot to get it in as if by magic the couch could fly up the stairs. I would drag the thing if I had too. I however assured her that I would enlist some big strong men from the bar to come and heave the heavy thing up 2o million flights of stairs. I’ll buy the beer.
We can hook up the stereo after and have a party. Ruby Tuesday! Dig Dig Do wah dum diddy, Missing the girl. Anyhoo! Can’t wait for JAVEX. I wish I could show you my cartoon of Big Daddy and I in the Hammer, with the little caption of me saying “Gee I sure love the smell of Windex in the morning” Which I do!
Then my landlord rang the front door bell, I let it ring for a long long spell, said he’d get me a 5 gallon of white, and tints as I chose. I said “hey daddy o, I’m going to do brick in the bathroom okay? I do infact love painting bricks. If I were a man, I’d be a brick layer. I just love the idea of it. Now don’t give me radical feminist shit, I am usually considered rather sexist as a result.
Just things a lady shouldn’t do. As I always say “A lady shouldn’t have to carry her own stove home.” Not to say that this dame can’t - it’s more of a doesn’t wanna. Watch me drag the couch up those stairs alone! He was tottaly stoked. Could I do em like P.Pub, and I;m like well I don’t know, I haven’t seen em. And so and so.
Yup. I can dig it. / 
