  It’s funny how you can pass by something, like a sign hanging outside of a church, everyday on your bus ride into work and never notice it partially peeking out from behind a tree branch…until one day when you just do. Do you ever wonder why that is? How come you see or experience certain things at *just* the right time for it all to make sense? It could have easily been any other day or time and you never would have given it a second thought. I read that sign this morning and I didn’t realize until I was cuddled up in my jammies in bed ready to drift off to dreamland (or so I thought) that those words had been weaving themselves throughout my day.
The past few months have brought a significant amount of change into my life. Change has always been something that I thought I was pretty good at dealing with and adapting to. This time was different though. I quickly found myself struggling with everything all at once…almost drowning in it all. The fact that I am going to be 29 soon and have been having these overwhelming feelings like I have nothing to show for it wasn't helping. I’m single and live in a studio apartment I can barely afford (which I’m quickly finding out isn’t the worst thing in the world, being single or living alone), but my studio is expensive and it pretty much is forcing me to live paycheck to paycheck right now which isn’t the most fun-constantly budgeting.
I have a job that I don’t particularly care that much about but at the same time am very grateful that I have because (a) it’s money, money that allows me to be able to live alone and show myself that I can indeed make it on my own, and that is empowering, and (b) the people I work with more than make up for me having no desire to pursue a long term career at this company. So these things are just a part of life, and I know I’m not the only one who experiences them. The big one for me is my lack of a formal academic education. Almost everyone I know has graduated from college and sometimes that makes me feel simply, uneducated. I know that this is something that I can change, and I am trying to make it happen. Making it happen requires so much sacrifice, money, time, energy. Not that I’m not willing to put forth the effort to make it happen, it’s just one of the more difficult things I have accomplishing.
And in a world where most college freshmen are 18 and out by 21, well, that is the only reason turning 30 in a year scares me. I completely welcome everything else about growing older. In some ways, I feel like I am 18 again. Like I’m learning things now or have been learning things through the past few years that I should have learned back then. Things I would have learned had I had a normal childhood. It started out normal, I had a strong foundation, a happy, loving, nurturing beginning.
I know that is what saved me. It’s not something I talk about often, but from about 9-17 a person came into my life, an ex-stepmother, (and continues to be as she is my brother and sister’s mom, fortunately she has not been in my life for a long time now—but that’s a whole other story) she was emotionally abusive, selfish, manipulative, all characteristics I never knew in anyone up to that point. From 12-17 when I lived with her and my father, I was living in an extremely unsupportive, unhealthy, non-communicative environment. My view of home, love and family got so skewed. So for many years, it was all I knew. In many ways I was just learning how to survive in that world, I was never really allowed to *live* in it. Not in the ways that most people I know did. For far too long I carried the weight of those years around with me not always realizing how it was affecting my life.
I knew that it *was* but I didn’t know how to begin to fix it, I didn’t have the tools….until a few months ago. I didn’t get the love and nurturing and support in some pretty critical years of my life when I needed those things the most. It’s a continued work in progress, but I have recently been able to learn how to let go of a lot of the bitterness and anger that I held inside from those years, which has been such a great feeling. I know that I didn’t have the worst childhood in the world by ANY means, I know there are SO many others out there who dealt/deal with far, far worse, sometimes even unimaginable things, but when you start to see the way things could have been for you by experiencing other people’s lives and how they were raised, well, it can consume you if you let it. I didn’t want to let it. I want much much more than that. And one of the really cool things that I think that I get to see right now, is watching my friends start to have families.
Knowing that there are going to be kids in this world who are going to get all of the love and nurturing and kindness and support that I know my friends have inside of them to give, it’s really comforting to me for some reason. And I even think start to think that those are things that I could give to a partner and maybe a family of my own….one day (don't want to get too ahead of myself here).
So back to my main point of things coming into your life at just the right moment, while there were things in my life that held me back, there were things that pushed me forward in an equally as positive manner, if not more so. That is where friends and music entered my life. So when I said that sometimes I feel like I have nothing to show for my life, I simply know that is not true. I know what I have to show…it’s love. I have moved around and lived in more places than I can count on my fingers (and maybe toes) in the past 10 years and one thing that has given me…is the many different people I have met and known along the way.
I feel like I’ve known so many levels of love from all of these people. Whether it was someone who has been in my life for 12+ years or someone I just met today; whether it was someone who was only in my life for the period of time they were meant to be in it or someone I talk to on a daily basis…every one of them showed me something that made me a better person… love, support, understanding, the meaning of friendship and family…they all helped to get me here…to right now. And discovering the magic of music and what it can do to your heart and spirit was another saving grace and amazingly positive force in my life.
And the cool part is that there is SO much to discover. A person could spend a lifetime discovering new music, new favorite songs and the old ones never go away…it just builds and builds…like a good YEM intro. The friends/music connection and the impact that both have had on my life is something very real to me and something I hold onto very dearly in my heart.
Obviously, Phish has been a huge factor in that equation. Which is probably why I’m feeling the need to write some of this out right now, with Phish’s career coming to an end an all. It sounds so silly to some people, but to me and I know all of you, it’s an end of an amazing journey through some meaningful years of our lives. First and foremost, there is the music…when I first started listening to them 11 years ago…that was the first time that listening to music made me feel *that* free and alive….the first time music made me want to dance like *that*.
The beauty that one note or a combination of notes could stir up inside of me was unprecedented. Then you have the band’s silly and creative side, which drew me in even further. Eternal joy and never ending splendor….to know what that feels like, well, I don’t need to tell you, do I? Not everyone in this world gets a chance to experience those feelings. We are SO very lucky. Phish was my first taste of magic and all of that before I ever went to a show.
I spent 3 years listening to mostly studio albums and random bootlegs (listened to my first bootleg in a playhouse in a backyard in Iowa with 3 friends—thanks travis—best tweezer ever) here and there before I ever went to see them live. And then to all of a sudden feel the collective energy spontaneously created between the audience and the four members on stage…wow. Someone asked me tonight if I was sad that Phish is almost done. Yes, I am, I replied, but change is inevitable. I’m sad that the fun of traveling and meeting up with friends that the band has brought to my life is over, there are probably some people I really won’t see again because of it. But the music will always be out there…generations to come will get to experience it (even if not live, it doesn’t matter, the magic in the music will always be there.
Teenagers and Twentysomethings will be experiencing it for years to come. ) I know this because I look at my own musical adventures…One example, I never got to see the Grateful Dead, which I know I would have loved and I know it would have given me a deeper dimensional outlook into the music if I had been able to experience it live, but I still know how Jerry’s guitar makes me *feel*.
And that is something that never leaves. How can I be sad that Phish is almost done when that band indirectly lead me to a group of people so amazing and special and unique…people who have become not just friends but also family, watching out for and caring for one another in the way that we do…in some ways it’s more of a family than I’ve ever known…so how can I be sad?
How can I be sad when I know that I will always remember what it felt like to finally hear my first divided sky after 30+ shows and the fact that that song STILL makes me jump up and down like a little kid and dance and smile, even when I’m listening to any version of it by myself in my living room. How can I be sad when it’s opened my eyes to the beauty of random connections and interactions between strangers.
How can I be sad when I know I have the opportunity to look around during the last week of shows…..when it’s time to say goodbye…to see all of your smiling faces (and those of you who physically can’t be there, will MOST definitely be there in spirit and thought of often)…dancing, happy….a place where a smile can say everything…welcome home. How can I be sad when I’ve been given more than I possibly could have ever imagined. Life after Phish…it’s going to change us.
A lot of the change will have to do with the fact that we’re getting older as well. We will continue to grow and change, drift apart and come back together, some more than others…but we will always be connected. What would make me sad…is if after Phish we don’t give back everything that we’ve been given…not only to continue to give those things to each other…but also to share them with our worlds. Whether it be through your jobs, the ways in which you choose to help others, through your creativity (music, art, writing, etc.
) or through the children and families you raise. That is how we can give back what we've been given. Well, if you’ve read this far and are still reading, thank you. I know that I stress about where my life is headed, probably more than I should, but if where I’ve been is any indication of where I’m going, I shouldn’t be too worried. I’ve pretty much lived my life by following my heart and I just can’t complain where is has brought me so far. Reading that sign today brought me a much needed sense of peace…I do feel like today is the first day of the rest of my life. And to quote Tom Robbins…”It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.” 
