  As I've been here in the quiet of the morning I've been able to contemplate this situation. I've come to the conclusion that I feel as though I am his mistress and nothing more.
I am here only to amuse him and to expect nothing back in return. Thoughts pass through my mind of things Natasa once did to him while he was at work. Is there a chance of that happening again with this other girl now that he doesn't have to worry about me stopping by? Does he consider oral sex actual sex? As long as that girl remains in his life these feelings will always remain in my mind. Obviously he doesn't care about me enough to make these things better. I feel this horrible jealousy creeping up on me because I want what she has. I want him to feel that way about me. I never thought that I would lose him. It was only seven months ago that he vowed to be mine forever.
I've lost the most important person in my life and there's really nothing I can do to change that but knowing that I can't affect the way he feels doesn't ease the suffering I continue to endure. I wish he would let me know truthfully what is going on. I feel like he's trying not to hurt me by not telling me something by allowing me to continue to lavish my love and devotion on him or maybe he's hoping to regain the feelings he's lost for me by accepting it.
I want to know the truth but I am frightened by what I may hear so I remain in the dark because I still can't accept that this is happening. The thing that scares me the most, beyond what he may do with others while I'm away is that he's decide that he truly is happier living without me. 
