  I miss my husband more than I can express. Lately, I've been afraid to have him call because things seem to be going so well for him.
He has his training, work, bike, and tai chi to keep him busy. I try to do things but I always think "Oh, this would be so much fun to do with him".
I'm afraid since he seems to be having an easier time with this than I am he is going to just call me up or send me an e-mail telling me that I shouldn't waste my time hoping anything will ever happen between us again. I dread hearing him tell me that he really doesn't love me and that will never change so he wants this separation to be permanent. I don't meant to make it sound like all I do is pine for him and my days are spent sobbing. I'm okay during most of the day. These thoughts just go through my mind throughout the day at different points and I just really need a method to vent them. In fact, I've decided to drop my summer courses and withdraw from school for at least a term while I figure things out.
This has lifted a lot of stress from me so right now I feel pretty good in that respect. I can't say that I'm happy right now. I don't see how I really could be. I don't believe in divorce. My parents are divorced but in my mind they will always be married. I personally don't think this separation is helping me. It's what he needed and wanted so that's why I went along with it.
I had to pick up my car anyway so I thought I'd give him his time and try to stay here as long as I can. I don't know when I'll go back. It would be difficult to go back if he doesn't want me to. I don't want to go through with my packing up there. All this is coming purely from emotions. My head is so confused right now. I can't see a direction to go in that I want to travel.
There are blockades on every road I want to take. All of this is probably in my imagination. It's just that the last time I told myself that it had to be the case it wasn't. That was the most hurt I've ever felt and still feel. Anyway, now that this is out of my system I'll be able to continue my day with some sort of normality. 
