  I've spent the past week trying to find a way to get back up to Illinois. There have been so many setbacks ranging from no money to having a warrant out in IL and to top everything off I was dismissed from NCC because of my grades last term.
I need to find a way to get up there but I can't find anyone to come with me because they would just have to fly back when they got there. I found another way, and in a sense it's the perfect solution but there's no way that anyone would agree to it. If only he wanted to work on things this really would be the perfect plan. I found a train that leaves Naperville on Wednesday and gets to SA on Thursday. We could leave on Friday and drive up to Naperville by Saturday night. Unfortunately that would never happen. It would require him to take more time away from the things he wants to do and then he would have to spend that entire time with me. Granted that would be a great way to start a recovery of our relationship but he's not ready for that.
Last night he told me that he can't see our situation ever changing and that it made him uncomfortable when I told him about my feelings toward him both physical and emotional. He's still shutting me out of that part of his life but I guess that's normal. After the time I was with Jeremy I felt really uncomfortable with Will's affection. It took a long time before I could accept Will fully back into my heart when I had someone else in his place there before. It took time but it did happen. It took a while to even feel right when I was in bed with him.
I think that's why I ended up doing what I did with Craig. I was looking for something I thought I had with Jeremy but through that I found out that I had it all along with Will. I was just blocking myself from experiencing it because I hadn't let go of my thoughts of Jeremy. When I did, I found that Will was the man I've always wanted to spend my life with. It had always been the case but if I had kept myself from giving myself to him completely I may have never come to that conclusion.
Hopefully Will will be able to open his heart to me again and let go of his feelings he felt toward this other person. Until that happens and until he's willing to give us another try, I can't expect him to be able to handle the things that I want most. 
