  A thought just came to mind. When i used to sing with our praise team, i loved. I love having a Mic. in my hand, and being the center of attion. At the time i could care less if people were truly singing to God. I liked looking at people and seeing them looking at me... Which i know they weren't. But its was a mind of a little child.
But have i really changed? I remember i was trying to match up my voice with someone elses and i did. With out knowing. And the person that was listening to us. Said "Cassy you got it, good job! " Then guess what? I totally i mean totally messed it up. And the girl i was trying to match it with said "I hate it every time someone says good job to me, cause then i get nervse and mess up.
" So i know she heard me. Its funny, how i wanted to be heard when i was doing a great job, but right what i messed up, the first thought that came to mind was i hope no one heard that. So i dont have any deep thoughts tonight, i never think i do. The truth is, this is all the stuff i think about during the day.
Today i thought about death alot. Kind of sad. I have only known of one person in my life dying. And i wasn't really close to him.t not any more... Not for now that is. But anyways back on topic... My mind wasn't worshipping... And where my mind is, soon will be my heart and body. And pride came to mind. The thoughts that were coming to my mind were all about me. And how i can be lifed up. How i can be praised. And saying this, and knowing that people are going to read it, kind of make me want to cry. I want people to think i am a good person. And i want to go after God with not only my life, but also my mind, heart, soul and strenght.
And this is showing all for you that i am not perfect. Which i would hope that yal' know i'm not perfect. But i hate saying what i'm not good at. *lost trail of thought* o... but i was thinking about myself. And not God... I was singing a praise song of how i should put less of me and more of Him and everything, and look at where my mind is? ALL ON ME! Kind of stupid huh? The mindless worshipping zonbie here. "Jesus loves me...Jesus died...Jesus, Jesus..." Sorry i got a picutre in my mind... but i had to much pride.
So i stopped. I stopped acting like i was giving myself in worship and praise and just said man i'm sorry. And i'm not saying this to be praised... I know thats what i would be thinking if i read this in someone elses. but i did. I was like man, i am making something that you have given me, a gift. And i am not praising you for it, or with it, i am praising myself with it. Thinking that i should be praised. what a stupid thought! What a child like thought... What a Cassy thought. it makes me sick! But getting off of the beating my self up train. I have a new out look...
I know what i want! Thats right. There isn't a young man in my reach, yes. but i know i can find a man that is God seeking and God fearing. And now that i know what i want. Everything else and Everyone else seems so worthless... Not worthless, thats mean, but not worth my time chaseing after. The yonung man i wrote about before, saying how i always went back to him, seem worthless now. Now even someone i am looking at. i dont care. 
