  More problems with bums. I was sitting on a bench using my laptop - because I was able to hijack some wireless internet at this specific spot and avoid paying £1 an hour at some cyber cafe. Of course this means that every 10 minutes some dude's going to come ask me for money. But I accept that as the inevitable downside, as the price I have to pay for being cheap and not just going to a cyber cafe. So one scary looking dude asks for money, and I politely turn him down. Then his friend, even dirtier and scarier looking, runs over and squats down in front of me - looking into my eyes - putting his head so close to mine that I can imagine his head lice jumping ship to the more fertile, virgin plains of my scalp.
Here comes the sermon. He begins - totally indignant... appalled. "Mate" he begins, "We - we live on the street ! We jus' need change for a hostel, to spend the night, mate! " "I'm sorry, I don't have any change. " Which was true.
(It's probably ironic, but I've been waiting so long for my paycheck from work to clear, and for my crappy British bank to give me my PIN number, that I'm totally out of money. Couldn't even afford to see Fahrenheit 9/11, which opened that day, the fourth of July. And all I had to eat today - since I had no money - was one Big Mac - because the day before I got two for the price of one - part of Mickey D's weekend evening promotion. Have you ever had to eat a Big Mac that's spent a night in a fridge and 30 seconds in a microwave? So yeah, I didn't have any money at all. ) He turns, in disgust, but he's not giving up, just yet.
"And you have a laptop. " "Yeah, but I don't have any change for you. Sorry. " "Sorry? What are you sorry about? " "THAT I'M NOT GIVING YOU ANY FUCKING MONEY; IF I HAD CHANGE TO SPARE I'D BE USING IT AT A CYBER CAFE SO I COULD SIT AND EMAIL IN FUCKING PEACE WITHOUT WORRYING ABOUT HAVING MY FUCKING LAPTOP STOLEN AT KNIFEPOINT.
" The dude took off. It makes me feel good to know that I can intimidate scary drunken British hobos. Besides, I was hungover from saturday night at Fabric, so I probably looked like I stole the laptop anyway. (reminds me of something I once read at samgreenspan.com: "The bums really need to stop harassing me. Seriously, guys, I'm not currently in the fiduciary standing to contribute to you. I do feel sympathy, but if not for wonderful, generous parents I'd be standing side-by-side with you right now.
Hey, to keep warm, we could use my pricey but useless college degree for kindling! ") Another thing - Why do people think that it's socially acceptable to go up to complete strangers and ask for cigarettes? If you see someone eating some delicious looking french fries you wouldn't just run up and ask if you could grab a few, right? So why do people ask me to give them cigarettes? Next they're going to want a sip of my coffee, a bite of my bagel, a kiss on the cheek. At least here in London it's always good for a cheap laugh: "Pardon, mate, can I bum a fag?
" Scuse me? "Mind if I bum a fag? " Nah man, suit yourself. Good luck. I will never stop smiling when I hear that. Final note(s): The most beautiful girl in London works at a roadside flower stand on Tottinham Court Road, and I walk by her every day on the way to work.
This is what I would do if I was another type of guy - walk up to her, buy a flower, and give it to her! How clutch would that be? Lame? Well, I'd never do it, in a million years. Speaking of hot chicks and the guys that approach them. Near this flower place on the same main drag, there's a Scientology headquarters/recruitment center.
They're always offering free personality/stress/iq tests or whatever weird shit will get the loonies to come in and listen to their stories about engrams and volcanoes and whatever else their sci-fi cult/religion believes in. Well, I've always wanted to take them up on their offer, and see how exactly they hope to hook you into the exciting world of Scientology, where you'll dine with Travolta, Cruise, and the now 300+ pound Kirstie Alley. Anyway, today I really wanted to drop in because they had two young, cute girls giving out the Dianetics flyers! What's up with that? I watched 'em for a bit, and it was really interesting to see how much more effective hot chicks are at marketing than the usual scary loners and sullen immigrants that give out coupons and flyers and shit in London. People actually took the flyers from them and read them.
'Well, this must be legitimate and important', they probably thought, 'a hot girl gave this to me after all. ' Best was the big black fireman who took a flyer from one of them. "Does this have your phone number on it? " That's the kind of shit I wish I could say. "No, but it has a phone number on it. " The Scientolobitch replied.
It would be funny if that guy's sex drive got him into Scientology, though. Hell, maybe joining a cult is a good way to meet hot chicks. As long as it's not some lame celebate cult (like Southern Baptists - I keed I keed! ) or some cult where only the cult leader gets to fuck everybody - like the Branch Davidians. Or some cult where you have to chop your nuts off, like those Hale Bopp motherfuckers. 
