  Ok, so my shrink thinks i need to start wrighting down all my negative thoughts. I think maybe this is a good idea. But maybe i'll write down more than just my negative thoughts, cuz that would be just plain negative. I'm a very difficult person to understand. My friends describe me as wierd, but it's a good wierd, it's always said with a smile. SO it's 12:16 am June 16th.
I'm 5'6, and about 275 lbs give or take a few. I'm not at all happy about that. I'm pretty attractive looking even though i'm fat, but in the past few years it has wrecked my self esteem. I used to think i knew who i was and what i was doing. Now i have no idea, i just go day by day, hoping things will one day get better. See i think i'm in love.
But i shouldn't be. I've been seeing joey for a little over a year now. We're "just friends who have sex" but it's not just that. ANd i'm not the only one who thinks so, my friends agree with me. It's the way we act when we're together and when we're not. And i am trying very hard to ignore that i am in love with him.
I don't think he's in love with me. I honestly believe there is something wrong with me that makes me impossible to love. I don't think anyone has ever really loved me, and i do mean anyone including family. Maybe my sister, she might love me, but she's 13, so i can't just go over there and talk to her, she's way to young to deal with my problems. Nevermind the fact that i just want to protect her and she doesn't need to know all the bad crap about me. Joey lived with Amy for 5 years.
I think she's the only person he's REALLY been in love with. I think he still loves her. I think he still want's to be with her. I sit here wondering how long it will be until he finds a way to be with her again. She doesn't want him, he treated her badly. I'm sure it was a two way street, but i think he was probably to immature for the relationship.
But the point is, he still loves her. He can't love me if he loves her. He is always saying how much love sucks, and how he's never doing it again, how it's not worth it. That really hurts. But i can't say anything to him about the fact that it hurts when he says that cuz then he'd know that i have love for him. ANd a part of me is afraid that we would no longer be anything if he knew how i felt.
What the fuck makes her so special and me so unworthy? That's all i want from him, i want him to feel the way i do. Then there's Gina. Gina is a girl who joey has slept with in the past. They have been friends since high school and still are. He has slept with her since i've been with him.
He claims he doesnt' sleep with her anymore, but i don't believe him. She comes into town to visit her parents and has to see him everyday that she's home. Joey get's very wierd when she's in town, i can usually tell before he says anything. It's like he feels guilty. Last time she was here, i kinda caught him in a lie. I was with him, and she called.
He was going to her house to hang out with her mom (RIGHT). Cuz i go to my friends houses to hang out with their parents (please). And that he would only be there for about an hour, maybe an hour and a half, then he'd be over Gilmen's house. So i dropped him off at home, and went home. Two hours later, around 11 pm i went to Gilmen's house. No joey.
I waited for another hour. At midnight i called him to see why he wasn't there. He called me back to say that they were watching a movie, and he'd be over there for a while longer. Mind you, there was absolutely no noise in the background. I don't believe him. Maybe there was a movie, maybe there wasn't, but i just get the feeling that there's sex going on.
ANd ya know, i don't like it. If i were to sleep with another guy, he'd be done with me. He hasn't said it but he has eluded to it. Just looking at what i've written makes me think i shouldn't be with him. But i want to be with him. ARGH!
I think i may be setting myself up for another heartache. I know he has no real feelings for me, i'm pretty sure he's sleeping with other people, he has no intention of being in a relationship anytime soon. WHat the fuck am i doing with him. Am i really so screwed up in the head that i think all this is ok? I know that it's not ok. I just don't have the willpower to stop seeing him.
Cuz what if i'm wrong, what if he's not sleeping with Gina. What if he's no longer in love with Amy? What if he does love me, and just can't say it? What if he is the perfect man for me, cuz we get along soooo well in every way. I just don't know what to do. 
