  CD:  Liam Lynch,  " Fake Songs"  Today at work I had to replace the Ketchup Dispenser.  The ketchup (
or catsup)  comes in plastic bags that hold about three gallons apiece.  Well,  one of the bags ripped.  Ketchup started flowing like a newly discovered oil well.  The K.
D.  wouldn't take the bag,  and I couldn't just throw away three gallons of ketchup,  so I found a large bucket and drained it all into that.  Now the big problem:  how to put all this ketchup from a bucket into small ketchup bottles.
 A funnel?  The bucket was too big to pour into a small funnel,  so I got a second,  smaller bucket to dip into the first,  then dumped that into the funnel.  That's when I realized that ketchup doesn't pour,
 it plops.  Stuff that plops can't go through a funnel,  it only clogs the funnel.  That's when I grabbed a spoon to put pressure on the top of the clog to get it to go down into the bottle.  It took forever.  Then someone suggested finding a plastic bag,
 putting a whole lot of ketchup into it,  then cutting a small hole in the bottom corner of the bag to let a high pressure stream of ketchup fall out of the hole.  A good idea indeed.  The high pressure stream,  however,  is difficult to control.
 By the end of the debacle,  I had a broken Ketchup Dispenser,  two ketchup- drenched kitchen tables,  a cowpie of ketchup on the floor,  giant ketchup stains on my shirt,
 pants and shoes,  ten bottles of ketchup overflowing on all sides,  a large stirring spoon covered in ketchup all up the handle,  a small pitcher coated in ketchup on the inside and out,  a second giant,  practically useless Bucket O'Ketchup,
 and a garbage can filled with ketchup- catching napkins that made it look like the World's Most Destructive Period.  Thus endeth The Ketchup Story.
