  sooo where do i start. i will start with basic, nonphilosophical things...or at least i will try but im sure it will all become a big mush of crap... some guy called me and left a message on my cell phone from some ALLMED company and he was like i saw your resume and i would love to speak with you blah blah. so i called him back and i was like im in istanbul working at a hospital and he was like WOW how brave and exciting and impressive.
so he wants to meet me when i get back. he doesnt have website and i couldnt find any info on his company, so im a bit skeptical. my mom was like oh my god hes going to SCAM you. and i was like how can he scam me? hes not asking for money, and im not dumb....anywhoo....so things are up and down with my mom. we are going south to resort on saturday. murat left last week and that has made things more tolerable at home.
he is already at the resort. murat is always stressed and depressed which makes my mom stressed ,depressed, and irritated, which leaves me somewhere between wanting to smack both of them or jumping out the window. but this week was ok. i havent been going to the hospital as much lately. ive seen a lot and im getting bored there cuz my cousin kind of ditched me and my doc friend is busy and people have started giving him shit for hanging with me so i cant really do as much as i would like.
everyone looks at me funny anyways, as per usual. my hair is getting long...well long for me at least. i like it. i have not worked out in a month. i was doing really well when i got here and now i have lost all motivation and i just plain dont like it. and you arent here to complain with me but still do it, so here i sit. i have, however, been eating well.
so my weight is ok, maybe even a bit less than before. i might have lost a bit since i got here. still no bad carbs, although i have added more wheat products like toast sometimes :P i was all happy cuz everyone was like oh you lost weight. but then i went to hair dresser to get my hair done for this wedding (ill send you pic) and he was like, if you lost a little weight you would be perfect.
he was like you need to loose another 8-15 kilos...KILOS!!!! thats like 16-30 lbs! i was like holy shit (but in turkish and not quite holy shit but something to show my surprise and irritation). i was like i already lost some weight. and he goes well if you lost more you would be ideal. (a little back ground on this guy. this is not my normal hairdresser. yildirim is the owner who cuts my hair and does tarkans hair.
i have a guy i go to for styling or whatever, and then theres a girl who does my color. the guy in question is another stylist who usually doesnt do my hair, but he was the only one free. he is usually very nice, very philosophical and realistic, so im less annoyed by him than most. he talks my ear off, and i usually dont say much cuz im self conscious of my turkish and im usually withm y mom and she looks at me like you are talking to much.
this guy ALWAYS tries to get me to talk and i rarely so. i laugh at his jokes and smile a lot but i never really get into deep conversation) so after he said the you would be ideal comment i looked right at him and said "if someone likes me, they will like me just the way i am, and if they dont, thats their problem" and he was in shock!
he was like wow, well you are 100% right. thats good. and he goes you seem very sure of yourself/confident/whatever. and i said well if im not sure of myself, then who will be? and he was blown away! HA! no more weight comments for the rest of the time i was there. sooo time for philosphy. i have come to realize, and i might have already shared this observation with you, that sometimes i need male attention. and most of the time i just love male attention. and i attribute this male insecurity thing to my dad.
so i have accepted that. something about arrogant/difficult guys makes me wnat them more! like im determined to make them want me and ill do anything it takes. but when a guy really wants me it makes me not want him. but it also makes me more miserable!
i mean i do it to myself, but i dunno. so ive been thinking a lot about that. and like whats the meaning of life and why am i here and what is my purpose and i feel like i havent done anything good or cool or useful and i want to leave an impression on the world and people i meet and how can i do that and am i good enough and what does it mean to be good enough and what do others have that i dont kind of questions. and i want to create something...art, writing, i dunno something. i miss being creative. and i think im good with photography sometimes, but then i see other peoples work and then i think man i am nothing.
theres all these things that i want, both spiritual/mental, and material, and how can i have it all and if i cant then why, and how do people who have it all even get it all to begin with? wow im tyiping this on a pretty emotional day. i give a lot and i get crushed, so should i go back to my bitter self like when my mom was in jail and greg left me?
should i give up my philanthropy for materialism and a rich husband? my answer is usually no, thats not what i really want. but sometimes i get off track and confused. maybe its my age? lately im anxious all the time. sometimes theres a reason, but its like i dont know what to do with myself. i want attention. when i dont get it im sad, when i do get it, sometimes its overwhelming. am i being redundant? is that enough philosophy for one day? and then thing is, there are only a couple people i can talk like this to.
you, emine, and sometimes justin. i say sometimes for justin cuz sometimes i feel like i cant share everything with him. (i showed him my erotic pics and he was like theyre not my thing...great, i knew that but i mean come on. he was like i think youre cute but i dont like those things. and i was like the point is not to be cute its to be sexy and desirable. ) Im in a rut. you arent in chicago at least not yet, emine is really busy here so we only get minimal time togehter.
so im lonely and sad and i dont know. but then i think of how lucky i am and feel bad for being selfish. then i feel bad again and so the cycle continues...... 
