  Roy asked me that...and that's one question I've avoided like the plague until this last bit of insanity grounded me to a HOW Halt, when I had to ask myself, Am I really being Honest, Open and Willing to be honest with myself for the sake of myself? Who am I fooling? Why do I feel as though I have to fool myself into believing I have it all together, when honestly, I just don't? Whenever I take the focus off of me, whenever I go chasing after someone who I deem needs my help, guidance, assistance or love--a rescue case I suffer. Why do I do that? It's simple.
It's eaiser for me to work on a pet project and be the CEO of someone else's life than my own. Then they disappoint me, they get me caught up in their drama...er, rather I get caught up in THEIR drama, cause some chaos with a hint of cynicism, and I'm a mess all over again. That is the virtuous victim... I try really hard not to get caught up being the 'front desk clerk' the one whose eye is on the door to AA lobby. On one side, there's a door that swings in and in the middle there's a door that revolves, and on the other side is a door that goes out. While I care about newcomers a lot, while I pray for them, and listen when they call, when they head for the doors to exit the lobby, I'm afraid to see if they are going out the revolving door or the out door.
At least if they go through the revolving door, they might be back. But then again, if they go through the out door, they might be back after they have truly hit their bottom and finally realized that they were sick and tired of being sick and tired. THe only problem with the revolving door is that those who use it aren't ones who take the program seriously. In and out, around and around, a few months out there, a few days in here, until on a recurring trip they walk through the in door and the out door. One newcomer I've been very concerned about and have prayed for a lot, but we believe she must have another drunk left in her. She's now avoiding us, those who care about her and want to see her succeed, who could love her until she could love herself, just as I was loved by a team of women sponsors before I could learn to love myself.
So while I'm concerned about her, to a degree I have to detach from her, from her need to sit on the railroad track once again, hoping she will successfully jump off of it in time and not let it or the alcohol destroy her beyond repair. Just talking to other women in the program yesterday, helped me so much, just to open up and say things are nuts, I feel powerless and need to let go of this. Of all of this...For myself, I did that yesterday. What can I do from falling into the trap of the V.V. once again? 1.
Keep the focus on me. 2. Practice a selfish program and utilize detachment whenever necessary as a protection mechanism. 3. Ask my higher power for help in doing so, realizing that while I am a V.V., there's always room for improvement. In Grateful Thoughts, Moses Yoder wrote that "The largest room in the house, is the room for improvement.
" J. says I need to write a gratitude list daily. I haven't done that for a good long time. So here it goes: 1. For my husband who has given me the best years of my life and whom loves and appreciates me. 2. For my beautiful children who are my most precious possessions.
3. For my two cats who are four legged empaths who know when I need some stroking and loved with a cat in my lap. 4. A good home. 5. For getting in the top 25 of the lit.
competition. 6. For being on the last draft of Unspoken Vows (Book One). 7. For finishing the current draft of Everlasting Heartbeat (Book Three). 8.
For my AA/Alanon friends, Roy & Brandon & Tiffany who are always ready to listen. 9. For my sober life. 10. For the angels my higher power has put in my way over the last fifteen years to force me to realize that I am worthy of the good life of sobriety and serenity. "Gratitude must be our Attitude.
" 
