  Binging must be a sure sign of the stress I have gone through recently. I need to knock it off. I am going to drag my sister with me tomorrow to the park so we can go for a run. Then, she is coming back and doing pilates with me. (this is of course if she wants to, but I'm not sure if I will give her too much of a choice. ) I cried myself to sleep last night. I feel so unhappy. I really need to go back to the shrink. I need to do so many things, but I lack the energy to motivate myself.
I told Ben that if I loved him, I would go back. I haven't made an appointment. Does that say anything? I felt like he was blackmailing me to go, therefore I wanted to rebel and not go. I know it's for my own good though. I just felt so overwhelmed with emotions yesterday. I pretty much didn't cry at the funeral. The only time I really cried was with Spencer.
The rest of the time I spent supporting everyone else. Lately, everyone has sad that I need to smile more. Like, the other day... there was this group of guys at work. It was right after I found out about Jared. They asked me what was wrong, (after asking me to get drunk with them) and said I needed to smile more. It's not like a group of nine guys is going to be able to sympathize, so I just blew them off. I hate to be glum and grim... I really am trying, it's just so fucking hard. I don't understand life or the point of it sometimes. It sucks so fucking much. Why do my friends have to die? Why do my parents have to be asses? Why has my life been the way it's been? Who fucking knows. Life sucks, and I miss Jared. 
