  it's monday morning and i feel heavy and agitated. overall good weekend, although there were some very low points. friday night my labmates and i went to dinner at the urlLink brown sugar cafe and i ate some angel hair noodles with tofu which was very salty and not very spicy. later on that night tina, patrick and i went for a drink at urlLink grendel's den , the place where i ran into yuming a year ago (+ change).
it was fun and we drank lots of herewizen (? ), a beer from munich that patrick liked very much. then i went home. chris was waiting for me outside my house, woeful and concillatory. i was cold and didn't want to deal with our issues. i forced him to leave while ignoring everything he was trying to fix because i knew it wouldn't work and we wouldn't fix anything. we had gotten into a fight earlier that day about The Move, and when i addressed everything in a nonconfrontational manner he decided to be unsupportive and unempathetic, thus provoking me to attack him on his relationships, us, our sex life, everything. anyway when he came to apologize i was impassive and made him leave, before which we had just learned of someone being beaten to death with a baseball bat only two blocks away. i don't know why i'm so cold sometimes, why i have to hurt the people i love and why i can't accept what love they want to give me. i feel incredibly guilty over what happened but it was impossible for me to show any feeling about it. chris stabbed into my chest with his finger yelling and calling me a psychopath, but i think psychopaths probably feel more than i can sometimes. i keep thinking that if he loved me he wouldn't move in with soo jin but he just yells and says it's my fault that he's doing so, that in a way he's being forced into it.
i know that while i don't accept culpability for anything, he doesn't either. i only feel my own pain in the wake of others, along with the absence of love. that's it. saturday night i went over and apologized to him after a day of hanging out with alex and baking pies and playing badminton. we made up, and sunday the same fight happened again. he told me that even if we didn't fight for a month (as he had promised) and moved in together, he wouldn't turn his back on The Move, which i felt was insulting and derogatory.
i don't know why it's so important for him to live with her, why doesn't he want to be with me. why is he moving so far away? the moment when he dumps on me to stay home and smoke pot and eat with her, i'm going to go crazy and he doesn't even understand that.
he doesn't understand that i need him to Show me that he loves me more, instead of yelling on about how i'm stupid and intolerant and a psychopath. which is what happened yesterday, after which i hit him hard three times because he was laughing in my hysteria. laughing that i was crying and screaming and uncontrollable. i should never have hit him, but it was so cruel for him to laugh. that will be the last time i see him. anyway i went out with patrick for the rest of the day, which was lovely.
we hung around harvard and ate chocolate mousse at cafe pamplona (previously bad association) and watched farenheit 9/11 and talked. i found the movie oversimplistic but funny and on-message in its points (i would prefer fewer antics and more facts, but so it goes). i'm sad that patrick is leaving for germany because i like spending time with him very much, but he might be back in september. what will be my marathon? i have so much love to give. 
