  I had a conversation with him. It was a very stimulating conversation. We talked about some of the problems that were obvious with the chatters. Not a couple of random off the handle jabs at their person, but more of a carefully studied and calculated approximation of why they were there. Funny enough we both came up with about the same things, just worded differently. We talked about some of our opinions on the world.
Sometime before I had to wake up my girl we got a little more serious. Along the lines of why I like him. Sometimes he comes across quite blunt, borderline mean about some tings. I just figured out why he does, with me at least. I know why he is that way towards others. I believe he gets as harsh as he does to see if he can shake me, to see if I am just playing.
Well thats the best I can think of how to word it. I am patient and don't take it personally. I answer his questions honestly and as best as I can. Many times words fail me. It gets frustrating when words fail me. I don't feel like I am conveying my thoughts and feelings clearly.
I suspect that he understands what I was trying to say. He is more than pleased that I answer all of his questions. And that I do so honestly. Sometimes shyness trips me up. I truly enjoy his intellect. His mind and thought process are most appealing to me.
Kind of like setting out a dish of the finest cheeses to a conisiour. He rounds it out with a wicked sense of humor. A cutting one if you will. A very intellectual humor, and that is something I cherish. He thinks he isn't funny, but he shouldn't be allowed to judge ourselves. We are our own worse critic.
Quite often we look for things to tear down, we force ourselves to find something wrong where there is nothing. His personal morals are quite high. He has his own opinions formed by himself. Not forced upon him from an outside force. They are ironclad. Held firm within his very being.
I respect that. He has so much of my respect. I don't know if he will know how much I truly respect him. I have come to some profound discoveries. Ones that are deeper than I had once thought. It is most essential that someone fulfills deep needs in you.
Needs that you can only discover through thorough searching. I must have someone that makes me laugh, and not just at "fart" jokes. I need someone that stimulates my mind, and makes me think. I need someone that is willing to hear my point of view, and not tell me it is wrong. I need someone that understands that I feel hurt, and maybe there isn't anything they can do about it but be patient. It probably isn't their fault.
I need someone that understands that I am not perfect, but treats me as though I am. I need to feel needed, wanted, desired. Probably in that order, and not overbearing in any of those areas. Someone that can see through my mask. The smile isn't always real. It just catches me off guard when it is seen through.
To know what feelings or thoughts are residing under that mask. I don't know who or what I am yet. I only know part. Nothing is more rewarding than someone that can see from the outside, peeking in at what lies there. Give me a different perspective, maybe more clarity. I should know who I am.
But I don't. My entity was nearly destroyed. I am once again coming out of my cocoon, but not as before. I am harder, scars run deeply. Maybe someday those scars will fade as the ones on my skin have. I think I have found that.
We will see. Only time can tell. I have dreams about him. Nothing too special, but in their way they are special. Slowly dancing in the living room, in the darkness. Who knows if there is music, I like to think so.
It wouldn't matter, but it would be nice. Smiles as I express my individuality by making my hair snow white with muted blue streaks. Arms holding me as I cry at night, as I often do that. I hate crying at night. I hate falling asleep with tears on my cheeks. One day it will stop.
I hope. I don't know. I don't like to be alone. I have been alone mostly for the past five and a half years. Surrounded, but alone. Trapped.
There are times now that I don't feel alone, even when physically I am. I feel as though someone is there with me. Kind of in the room, but not quite. Perhaps its just a matter of distance. I don't expect anyone to understand my ramblings. On this I am not looking for understanding, just acceptance.
I had a little voice of fear and cowardess creep in as I contemplated posting this. All of this has been sitting in the storage banks of my mind for a couple of months now. I am terrorfied to let this out for the world to see. What if the person that makes me think reads this? Surely he will know it is he I write about. I do not doubt that he would know.
Now my cowardess is gone. If he reads this, and some part of me hopes he does, maybe he will understand me better. These things aren't easy for me to convey. I have been proof reading this and making edits to it all for the longest time. I feel confident that it would be a welcome peek beneath my mask, with a flash light and a map. 
