  i've spent the last two weeks back in cali - and it was surreal. i actually thought it would be an escape from connecticut - that i'd feel, if only for a few days, that my life was the way it was prior to all the changes. how wrong i was. my friends are still the best, and we had so much fun. but i have certainly changed. or is it my perception of things that has changed? at this point, i don't really care, i just want to feel grounded.
perhaps the only moment in cali when i felt like my former, once confident self, was when i was in malibu. last saturday night some friends were throwing a party, and i wasn't sure i wanted to attend. so i went for a walk on the beach and watched the sun set, and for a brief moment, felt whole. more about that party later...rough night... my thinking to too scattered to write at the moment...too much to do. 
