  Right now i feel...well i wish i knew. I'm having doubts, worries, somethig just doesnt feel right and i don't know what or why. I'm guessing maybe something to do with AJ. I think its about time i ask myself WHY exactly am i going out with him, because i really dont know. If you asked me to draw up a list i wouldn't be able to. Sure its great to be with him, but i just dont think my heart is in it, i dont think its ever been in it.
He'll sign on msn, i couldnt care less if he talked to me or not, surely thats not teh way it should be. Lets talk about his possesiveness, if that even is a word. The other day AJ says to me "what would you rather do, live without me forever or marry me? " Now this question cam as quite a shock. Knowing what he wanted to hear i said "i'd marry you", which is infact a lie. I always fiond myself telling him what he wants to hear to save an argument, or even face reality about how i really feel.
The conversation progressed and he said to me "So, if you dont get landed immigrancy you can marry me! " I was stunned and replied with a lot of "dont be rediculous", "that will never happen"'s. I told him i wouldnt marry him. I would not leave my parents and my family and the life i once had back home to marry him, especially at 17. So he says "ok i'll move to England then. " OMG, what the hell have i done?
He goes on about what if he had a job in england, a place to stay... It would NEVER happen. Never will i or can i see myself marrying him. He is so possesive over me that it scares me sometimes. I'm not sure i really want to be in a relationship. I am forced to say "i love you" whether i mean it or not, again to save from an argument.
I don't know i just really don't, and again i find myself coming back to Tom. I know i should let go, i think he has even told me that but i cant see it happening. Everyday i'd look forward to seeing him, try and catch him around school and give him a little smile. He made me feel inceridble, and teh happiest i have ever been in a relationship. AJ will never be able to do that. So what...am i looking for too much?
Looking for what i had before? I wish i knew i really do, and i wish i knew why i was still with AJ. I find myself flirting with people, mainly online and i shouldnt be doing that, but maybe i just want to be free and have some fun? Dave if you could shed some light on this it would greatly be appreciated you filthy pee-er! I'm sorry if that made no sense :/ DramaQu33n 
