  bummer.  that's all i can say at the moment.  bummer.  very harsh realization has been taking place.  heavy realization.  you see,
 what i want from anyone,  everyone even,  is a chance.  because i know i can make a difference in their life.  or make it worthwhile.  or help them.
 i will always give an effort into seeing that a smile is on their face.  i will always be willing to be someone to call on,  someone to just be a friend.  someone anyone could rely on.  but all i need is a chance to show them that i can be what they want.  i can be what they need.
 if only they'd let me.  after all these years of begging for chances.  and failing at it.  then looking for more chances,  being taken in,  then losing to someone's change of mind.
 things have somehow slightly changed.  i never felt i needed anyone any less than they needed me.  it always felt like i was the one that needed the person much more than that person needed me.  well,  this was apparent in how easily they seemed to move on,  as opposed to how much it crushed me to see another one come and gone.
 now there's another problem.  i was too busy worrying about my friendship with one person lately ( to be referred to as G)  that i forgot about two other friends ( M and J)  i really liked G,
 and i didn't want him to just be another with a sweet beginning and a bitter ending in my life.  i was so worried about keeping my relationship with him that it put a screen up in my view towards others.  little did i realize that that chance that i had always been waiting for was staring me straight in the eye.  since the moment i met M and J,  i honestly didn't think much of them.  hearing that they were much younger than me didn't help.
 they would contact me almost everyday.  i thought it was nice to have more friends in the beginning,  but within a week or so,  i started to feel somewhat annoyed.  i got closer to M than i did to J because J would contact my other friend more ( who was also contaced less by M)
 i started getting tired of M.  it seemed that everytime we would chat or text,  it would be another getting- to- know- you session.
 i couldn't stand to hear him say " tell me more about yourself"  one more time.  i told a couple of my friends about M and J.  asking them for advice.  "
should i just go along with it?  " should i do something about it?  i even asked G about the situation.  i told him that the little " hints"
 i was giving weren't clicking in their head.  so he gave me advice and said " either you make yourself sound like the most boring person alive.  no secrets,  no interests,  nothing.
 your identity wouldn't be worth getting into.  i told him that it probably wouldn't work,  because it's too late to sound dull,  after around 2 weeks of normal conversations.  then he said " then pretend you have a boyfriend or something.
 go on and on about how great this guy is.  it's gotta get to them someday.  so that's what i did.  the next day,  i told M that i just got a bf.  he immediately asked for his name,
 and i told him that G was my boyfriend.  i had talked about him before.  probably mentioned him a couple times.  and he was the first person that came to mind.  so for around 3- 5 days,
 i hadn't heard from M or J ( i stopped hearing from J a while back already)  and i thought to myself " they're gone?  just like that?  but then i realized that talking to them,
 indeed became a regular thing.  and even though they were starting to really bug me,  i waited for them to text me or send me a message on ym.  i would expect them.  after a couple days,  they did start contacting me again,
 and it was " back to normal"  except i really saw them as friends this time.  somewhere along the way,  M asked me for a textmate.  i had the perfect person in mind,
 and i exchanged their numbers.  i had told this friend of mine about them,  and she decided to see for herself if they were really how i had described them to be.  yes,  she did agree with me,  after talking to them a couple times.
 she,  too,  thought that they were,  to a large extent,  the annoying,  up-
in- your- face kind of person.  a couple times,  we would talk about them,  and then i realized that it had been almost 3 weeks,
 and i didn't hear from them.  i tried to contact them,  but i didn't get any answer.  the unexpected had become a reality.  i actually missed them.  you see,
 when my friend would talk about how annoying they were,  i realized so many things about them.  so many good things.  i realized that they never had anything bad to say.  i realized that they were dependable,  in those 2-
3 months when we would regularly contact each other.  and i started seeing a bit of me in them.  i realized that this was the chance i had been waiting for.  and that i blew it.  and when i saw myself in them,  i realized that i wasn't giving them a chance either.
 in failing to give them a chance,  i wasn't giving myself a chance either.  a while back,  i had found out that M liked me as more than a friend.  this was after i told him that i had a so- called boyfriend.
 so,  i would tell myself that if he got his heart broken,  it would have been partially his fault.  shame on my for thinking such a thing.  i was blaming a lie i made for a hypothetical heartbreak he would have delivered himself.  i felt bad when i found out that he had feelings for me.
 i kept telling myself " i know heartbreak all too well,  i couldn't stand to even think that i could break the heart of someone that i saw myself in.  it crushed me.  i actually had,  and still have feelings for G,
 and i knew that even if i told M that i was lying about having a boyfriend,  i still had feelings for someone else,  and that could still result in heartbreak for either one of us.  this heavy feeling dates back to the earlier conversations between me and G.  we were both in the very painful situation of having very strong feelings for another,  when that person would only see you as a friend.
 thus,  we ended up the low- key bestfriend to the one that we cared most deeply about.  after countless times of telling G,  and telling myself that no one deserves to be put in that situation.  no one deserves to feel like nothing to the person that means the world to them.
 i couldn't just put M in that situation,  whether or not he felt that deeply about me.  i couldn't just let him end up in that same painful situation.  it'd break my heart before i could put anyone in that situation.  it's too much a burden.  it's too heavy a feeling.
 when you end up blaming yourself for all the pain that you're going through.  i've been trying to contact them for the past week or so.  but it seems they're ignoring me or something.  i just lost another chance.  you're probably thinking " why worry about them when i have G,
 right?  well,  i'm still very much in contact with him.  but it feels like things have just become " routine"  on his part.
 and yet again,  i'm probably grasping him too tightly.  afraid to lose him,  now,  more than ever.
