  Last nite i said, "I am now officially one step closer to happiness. Hmm... could it really come true??? " I now know that answer. In case you cannot figure it out from the mood of this post... its... i dont even wanna say it. I've lost the will to do what i used to. I dont wanna write in this anymore, i dont wanna be on msn anymore, i dont even think playing ball can give me that momentary peace anymore. I dont know whats gonna happen... to tell the truth i feel as tho it doesnt matter anymore. I work today at 3... whats the point? To make money... money cannot buy me happiness. To keep busy... nothing will keep me busy enough to clear my mind.
I also dont know if ima be at the youth nite which mite not even happen. I know i promised ppl that i would go, and i hate breaking promises. But this may be one of those times that i do... I just... cant bear to face... I was right. I am a ghost. I blend into backgrounds, going unnoticed. I am meaningless. I have no purpose. I am a drifter, moving from place to place, school to school, existing solely for the purpose of being alive. I have nothing to fight for. Nothing to inspire me. No goals... just going for the ride that i started. Maybe one day i will fall out of this depression. Maybe someone will lift me out of the lake of sorrow that i am drowning in.
But right now there is a storm overhead... and no one can lift me out. So i will stay here... dragging myself through life only to make others who care happy. Forever... is a very abused word. Is anything forever? I'm usually not one to say what i dont mean, and i've used it many times... but im doubting it myself. Well... i was also speaking my mind. It feels like forever is whats gonna happen. But maybe im forcing forever. For what? Im not sure... to prove myself?... to avoid it happening again? Or am i just a liar; someone who uses words when it suits them, not caring about the true meaning of what i say?
I dont know... If you are one of the few who are still proud to call me a friend, dont try to console me now. Usually thats what friends do, but i've done it before... and i dont want others to do it for me. I dont wanna hear comforting words... cuz im gonna think its a lie. As much as i trust you, i cant trust others when i cant trust myself.
And rite now i am the last person i trust. So if ur reading this... i dont know what i expect you to do. Nothing sounds good. I'm not tryna say that i dont need friends. Cuz there are many times that i have. But right now is not one of those times. Just leave me be... for now... 
