  Sometimes, things just catch you so off guard that you have no choice but to retaliate into a dark corner of your life and hibernate.
That’s how everything is making me feel. Anything new that I learn or think about just makes me want to run and start a completely new life. But then again, (stopped) 5-13-04 This week has been undoubtably the strangest and most surprising week I’ve been through in a while.
I’ve went skinny dipping this week and I loved it. I’m so depressed but all that I really want to do is sit and watch the beauty and wonder of everything. Stefan, wow, this is confusing. I finally talked to him, and told him everything. Everything about my family, thoughts, fears, friends; I just couldn’t seem to stop talking. He told me that he cared about me and I was one of the few people who he actually listened to and cared what I thought about him and life. But the problem is, I’m not sure if I feel the same. I like him a lot, and I wish I could feel the same, but it just won’t happen.
He’s awesome. I love him to death, he’s one of the few people I can actually open up to and really get into a deep conversation. But then again, I’m not attracted to him. Not as I should be. Not as I want to be. I have a fear of relationships. I fear that if I don’t like them like I should or have before to someone else, then I’ll only end up hurting them.
It’s happened before. I’ve done it to so many people, whom I don’t even know, yet they just confess to me and tell me how I broke their hearts. I can’t do that to Stefan too. He’s too good of a companion. Family; I’m trying to get along with my mom. I’m desperately trying. But the more I try to bond with her or cope with her, she just expects more and more of me.
I can’t keep on going like this. I try so hard not to blow up but she makes it impossible. Then there’s friends, I need to hang out with new people. I need time away from Rani, Megan, Olivia and everyone I hang out with all the time. I feel like I’m taking them for granted and that I’m just using them now.
I couldn’t live with myself if I really start to do that. But I am, so that’s why I need to hang out with new people, just so I can become me again. Everything is just so confusing. I want to meet just one person, who I can find sexually appealing and an equal. I don’t know what qualities I want. I cannot say. I will know when I meet him. Hopefully a him. Haha I’m kinda screwed if it’s a her. That raises something else. I’m not a lesbian, I’m not bisexual, I’m nothing of the sort.
I just don’t give a rats ass about kissing. Unless it’s passionate and meaningful, then I think of it as only practice, I guess. I don’t think of it at all. I have to leave. I’ll try to come back and write again, although, whenever I start something like a journal, I never seem to keep it going. 
