  “I’m sorry, what?” I mumbled as I looked up, meeting eyes with my waitress. I’m not entirely sure how long she had been standing there or how many times she had asked her question.
“Oh um, right. Could I get a mocha?” “Sure thing, Hon. No problem,” she replied in a motherly voice as she turned to head back to the counter. “Oh, and a little extra chocolate, please!” I called after her. It wasn’t that I was a chocolate freak. I just had to cover up the bite of the espresso. Too much of that, and my stomach was done. The café was quaint and quiet.
But then again, how much business can you expect on a Wednesday night? Sure, there was the troubled Goth in the corner, the terribly hip guy strumming his guitar in the other corner, and a pair of half-dressed, bleach-blonde creatures I can only describe as “Giggly” sitting a few tables to my right. And then there was me. What the hell was I doing here? Ah well, the chair was comfortable enough, and I was well on my way to some mocha-filled solitude… She must have been hiding elsewhere, around some corner or in some other nook out of my sight, because I certainly didn’t hear any door bell jingling to announce her entrance. Yet there she was, walking toward me of all people, with that casual yet alluring swing to her hips.
It was useless to avoid eye contact. She knew I saw her, and it put a warm smile on her lips, a smile at which I couldn’t resist staring. My mouth was probably open. “You look surprised to see me,” she said, but her voice was so delicate it could have been song. I waited until she sat down and got comfy, before I even dreamed of responding. I could have watched her move forever.
Still, I had to say something fast. “It’s been a while. And it being so sudden, I thought I might have been dreaming.” I smiled, bewildered. Where was my mocha? “Well you know me. I can be rather shy from time to time,” she blushed a bit, and cocked her head. “Did you not want me to stay? I can go if you want to be alone.” My mouth opened to respond, but I caught the return of my waitress in the corner of my eye and quickly turned, saying “Thank you” instead of whatever I might have blurted out to my guest.
I stared into my mug, hoping that something catastrophic was about to happen somewhere between the creamy liquid and the already melting whipped cream floating on top of it, forcing me to flee the situation. It didn’t. When I mustered the courage to look back up into her big soft eyes, I lost all coherent thought.
Some sort of instinct kicked in somewhere in my brain and screamed, “Drink your mocha, you idiot! Stall!” It was all I could do to keep from spilling it all over myself, my hands shaking as they were. “Did you miss me?” she asked as she leaned forward, resting her chin on her hands in front of her. “I know sometimes it’s hard for you to find me.” I had to say something. Soon she would leave, and I would have just been a quiet fool, wanting her to stay, but too frightened to move.
“Yes.” Wow, what a speech. “Yes?” she repeated my word. “Yes, I’ve…I’ve missed you.” I nearly whispered, trying to reclaim my terrified voice. “I was wondering if I’d ever see you again.” She smiled again, this time a little wider. “Sweetie, I won’t ever go away forever. Sometimes things just don’t always work out. You have to give it time, here and there.” “So I’m told.” I leaned back a bit, taking another sip and hiding behind my mug of chocolate armor. “I caught a little bitterness there,” she said, making a face. She stirred in her seat. “Maybe I should go after all.” Fuck. “N-no, please…you can stay. I’m just…” I stammered, putting down the mug completely. “I’m tired.
I’m just very…tired.” She relaxed again, and nestled back into her chair. “It’s been hard, I know.” This time her hands were on the table, and I could swear they were slowly creeping across the scarred wooden surface…creeping toward me. “I’ve just tried so many times, you know?” I smiled a fake smile. “And every time I think I’ve got it right, somehow something goes wrong.” “It’s not always your fault, you know,” she said, adding a bit of soothing to her voice. “No, I know. But it sure feels like it most days. And I know I’m not perfect, despite all my pretenses. I know I’ve made mistakes.” I was pushing now, trying to sound noble, trying to make her stay, to understand.
I couldn’t stop watching her hands. “Listen, you don’t have to tell me. Sometimes you just end up making the wrong decisions.” She shrugged gently. “Ha. Yeah that’s me, the king of the foul play,” I smirked. “I don’t know, I suppose I just get too caught up in it sometimes. You see what you think is a good thing, and you go for it. You think, ‘Maybe this time it will be different. Maybe she’s the one!’ And then something goes wrong. Something always goes wrong.” “Well I’ll tell you what your problem is.
You’ve dated my sister too many times,” she grinned, and tapped my hand with her fingers. When did I put my hand on the table? I had to laugh, slightly. “Yeah well, your sister’s a fun girl, you know.” “My sister is easy, that’s what she is. My sister is quick, and she doesn’t ask questions. She’ll give you your thrill, but she’s not the same the next morning,” she said in a slightly lofty tone.
“Yeah well, I don’t regret it. And I mean, she pops up in the damnedest of places sometimes. At first I think I’m looking at you, and then…” I started. “And then she’s in your bed, and she’s moving the way you like, and it doesn’t matter anymore, right?” she finished. “Yeah,” I looked away, and snatched up my mocha, taking a gulp, not a sip. “She’s not everything that people think she is, you know,” she said, calming her voice a bit.
“Oh I know. Trust me, I know,” the bitterness sliced back in my voice. I grimaced. “I’m done with her. I had one too many romps with her, and now I’m going to have to live with the consequences.” There was silence. She looked down, and suddenly I felt guilty. But then again, that’s nothing new for me. I reached out, and my finger gently brushed against hers. It raised her eyes, but this time she looked a little regretful. “I always wanted her to be you,” I started, but it was wrong. “I mean…what I meant was...ah man…” I was fumbling now, but I’m told that’s one of my more endearing qualities. It must have worked, because suddenly her fingers were brushing mine in return. “No, it’s okay.
Say what you were going to say,” She was quiet, and…was that hope in her voice? The breath I took was deep. “What I meant was, I may not have always been wishing she was you, but somehow you always crept back into my mind. Maybe it was while I was with her. Maybe it was after she was gone. But all of the times in my life when I’ve been with you have always been worth more than any singular, fleeting moment with her.
And I guess what I’m trying to say is that I do know the difference now. And I have no intention of ever spending time with her again.” I think it was a pout on her lips. It was a cute pout, not wholly sad, with a hint of satisfaction hidden deep within. “That’s quite a statement, Honey. I mean, you’ve been duped before…a lot.” “Yeah, I know. But you two look so similar!” Now we were both smiling, and our fingers were almost beginning to lace together somewhere in the middle of that wooden table.
“I’d like to think that I present myself with a little more mystery…that maybe I give a bit more of a chase,” she laughed slightly. “Well, I can remember some times when you could get rather frisky,” I raised an eyebrow and gave her a crooked grin, and she playfully slapped my hand, just before quickly lacing her fingers back between mine.
God, her skin was so warm. “How many times has it been now? I mean really, how many times has it been for real?” she asked, though I’m fairly certain she was just trying to test my memory. “Well, let’s see,” I scratched my chin in false thought, though I had it all on the tip of my tongue. “I know, I’ll recall them all, highlighting the crucial faults in the executions.” My comment drew a look of confusion across her face, but she leaned forward again anyway, and propped her face in her free palm.
“Oh please, do tell.” “Well the first two times we were too young,” I began, holding up my fingers. “I had an unshakeable notion in my mind and heart about just who you were. I couldn’t let it go, so the first time you found someone more intriguing and less demanding, and you left me. Then you came around again, but this time you were caught up in a few other people at the time. I think we were both confused, and hurried things. And well, your sister got involved…” “I see,” she said, smiling a bit, catching herself in memory. “So the first two times? Yeah, I was just too damn stubborn to let go of my dream of who you were,” I continued.
“The third time was tough, because you were so far away. I mean, we tried to shove so much into talking while we were apart, but we were missing out on the little things that mattered. You know, like holding hands, and getting lost together, and baking, and goofing around, and…yeah, the little things.” I paused. “And when we finally could get together, it was just forced. I knew who you were, but it was forced, and quick, and I figured if I couldn’t have you with me, I couldn’t stand to be apart from you when you eventually had to leave again.” “Yeah, that was certainly a rough one,” she had this dreamy look in her eyes, and her fingers were stroking mine with this gentle rhythm, coaxing me on.
“Now the fourth time…man, did I have you and your sister confused. First, I liked her, then I found you, but you didn’t want me when I wanted you, so I went back to your sister, but then you wanted me, and on and on and on…” “Uh huh.
I remember that one,” she was playing annoyed now, but it was cute to see her squirm slightly. “The sad part was, when I finally settled on you that time, I was in it for the long haul. Despite all flaws, I was in it,” I said, and I know it sounded distant. “Flaws? What flaws?” Now she was curious, perking up a bit. “Well, I just didn’t think you were taking care of yourself. Everything could have worked, but I just refused to sacrifice what I believed in, even if it meant losing you again. You just couldn’t compromise…wouldn’t let anyone help you with your troubles. I would have gone all the way for you then,” I said, and now I was staring into her, and she into me.
“I’m sorry. I know that was hard for you…probably one of the hardest things you ever had to do,” she was so deep in me now, I knew I couldn’t stop. “What, saying goodbye? Oh yeah. That was horrible. But you completely confused me,” I said, looking away briefly to take another sip of my mocha. “How did I confuse you?” she asked, ever curious. “You came right back. But this time, you were so far away again.
It was like I had to say goodbye, watch you disappear, and then be forced to know exactly where you were, and not be able to reach you,” I let it all pour out of me, and I was beginning to feel the yearning creep back. “And then you came back…came to visit, ever so briefly. Looking back now, I think what happened must have been a dream, to have been so beautiful…” “No, it was real,” She straightened a bit, and squeezed my hand in hers when I looked down at it.
“Don’t ever forget how real it was.” “Then why did you leave? You just up and left, and disappeared again. You left me again, with no notice. My hopes were so high, and I felt, as always, like you’d finally come to stay. But I was wrong…it was wrong,” I paused. “What…what went wrong?” She looked down again. “I…I don’t know.” “There was someone else, wasn’t there?” I had to know, the question burning in me like a raging bonfire. “Maybe,” she was so quiet now. I pulled my hand back. “You know I don’t get it. I really, truly don’t,” I spoke with short words now, hesitant, and unsatisfied.
“After all these times, you’d think we could get it right. I’ve tried so hard, so many times, yet something always gets in the way.
Something always goes wrong.
And you know I look around, and I think I catch glimpses of you. I see you with other people. I have these constant reminders of you, but I can’t reach out and touch you. I can’t have you.” Her face was paler now, and I could tell she wasn’t at ease. “Not yet. No, not yet,” she said, her voice ever approaching a hush. “But why? I mean, there have been a few times, lately…a few times when I think it might have been you. I’m actually scared to act now, did you know? I’m getting spooked, and I stumble on my words.
I’m always afraid to push too far, or say the wrong thing, and I…” I stopped. “You know, what does it matter anyway…really?” She inhaled, and looked up at me. I thought I saw tears forming in her eyes, but I couldn’t be sure. “You shouldn’t always do that. I mean, sometimes it’s good to be hesitant…good to have a healthy caution…but you should be more open with your heart sometimes.
You’d be surprised how easily I could stumble in there. Sometimes you’ll find me in the most unlikely places,” She said, and it sounded as though she was giving me advice…giving me hints? “I just, I see patterns, you know? I find myself doing the same thing, looking at the same qualities, and always falling short. I don’t want to repeat my mistakes anymore. I want to go with my feelings, and do things right, and maybe finally get to know all of you,” I tried to sound convincing, but I couldn’t say if it worked.
“I know,” she smiled again, but it was a half smile, and it felt almost conclusive. “Listen, I should be going…” No. God no, not again. “W-wait! I mean…can’t you stay longer?” I was stammering again, sitting up and opening my eyes wide. I must have looked quite the desperate fool. I reached out across the table and grasped. Her hands weren’t there. She rose and brushed back a few strands of hair, hooking them behind her ear. Her movements were quick, and stuttered…clumsy. “Listen, I wish I could tell you when we’ll meet again. I really wish I could, but I just…” she began.
I stood and blocked her path to the door, trying not to seem crazed. “Please. Please stay. I don’t want you to go, I just…” I finished. We were so close, I could smell her, the scent of her so deep…so intoxicatingly familiar. She slowly raised her head, and then her eyes…her eyes that pierced into my soul, and stopped my breath. She raised her arm delicately, and ever so gently stroked my cheek with the backs of her fingers. The corner of her lips curled into the smallest of a smile, and I could feel the warmth of her breath as her face came closer to mine. Her inviting lips opened, and my eyes closed, and… “Goodbye, Love…” her voice echoed in my heart, and she was gone.
I stood there, my hand raised as if I was about to stroke her silken hair. I blinked a few times and looked around the café, lowering my arm quickly and awkwardly to my side as I turned to my table. My legs felt like unwieldy stilts as I sat back down in my chair. I found my mocha frigid, and the chair across from me painfully vacant. I heard the waitress approach, and lifted my heavy head to meet her gaze again. “Well, how was it?” She asked with a pleasant smile, reaching across me to pick up my cold, mostly empty mug. I didn’t answer, lost in other thoughts. I looked back to the door to the café, and couldn’t help but think that her parting words should have been mine. “That good, huh?” The waitress chuckled as she turned and shuffled back toward the counter. I didn’t smile, but somewhere inside me, beyond the hurt and the yearning, a small hope lit like a fresh candle, and I knew I would again some other time.
“All I ever wanted…” 
