  I promised I wasn't going to write about things that happened in my everyday life, but I feel that if I write about something that happened tonight, then it will tie in and work wonderfully for a message. I was in the bathroom looking in the mirror and fixing my hair when I heard my grandfather yell from the other room, "That internet better be off by 12 or I'm gonna rip it out of the wall!
All you ever do is stay on that computer! You never clean or do anything around here! " Those of you that have kept up with my away messages and such and know how much of an insomniac I am know that many nights I cannot sleep. Most times I do find productive things to do such as clean the entire house and make breakfast for my grandparents.. so I really don't know why he said that because I also visit my friends a lot. It has only been just recently that I've been on a lot. Well, to continue, those of you who know me on a more personal level know that I am not one to take things lying down, so to speak.
I will stand up for myself and what I believe... I don't care who you are. My grandfather is not the most open-minded person and he is quite domineering (perhaps that's where I get it from) but I did defend myself. Still in the bathroom, I yelled to him, "Well you don't clean up or anything and you don't have the internet so what's your excuse? " I heard his footsteps pound down the hallway to the bathroom door. He stormed in and I moved back from him as he kept coming towards me.
He raised his hand as to hit me, and did. I've been hit worse.. it was no big thing. That is when I felt tears come to my eyes and I began crying, all the time still defending myself. That is when he said it. "If you ever talk to me like that again, I'll kill you. " I stood and looked him in the eye. "Go ahead. Go ahead and kill me. I only clean your house and fix you breakfast but I'm still not good for anything.
" The 'conversation' proceeded as such and finally he left and I just sat there in the bathroom and cried, remembering what he had said..."I'll kill you" echoed in my thoughts. I buried my face in my hands and sat there in the dark. I thought to myself if I ever had kids, even if I were to get extremely upset with them, I would never tell them that I would kill them. Come to think of it, I would never tell anyone I truly loved anything of the sort. So it made me think; he must not really love me. I can feel tears in my eyes even as I write this because I still remember it so vividly. But... why would I want someone like that to love me... someone who would "kill me"? I don't. I can predict that tomorrow he will try to apologize to me saying "Oh well, I don't mean to be so gruff.. I'm always that way" or "I was mad and I don't really mean it. " I have always made it a point to forgive everyone, because Jesus forgave mankind, but I can honestly say it will take me some time before I will forgive him.
Even if it was just out of anger, that isn't something I would say to my mother or future spouse even if they had just betrayed me. I don't know where I'm trying to go with this... but if you would, offer me some advise. I'm starting to think he just doesn't love me because .. well I've explained it enough. I just feel so hurt and confused. He's been like this all my life. He'd always get mad, hit me, then apologize for it.
I'm not saying I didn't deserve it, then or tonight, but the fact he told he'd kill me if I talked like that again sent an arrow piercing through my heart. I've never been more sincere about anything I've ever written. Mark my word, as soon as I graduate high school, it's off to college and I'm never coming home... never coming back here. I'm just too strong willed for my own good I guess... and two personalities like his and mine do not need to mix very often, if ever. *tear* 
