  So I have been thinking about my spiritual delemma a lot more lately, especially since I am just starting a new job, Chapters!!! If someone ever asked, what religion would I say I am!? I used to take pride in saying I was Pagan, but I am not really feeling that part of me anymore. I don't know what I believe!? I have been calling my self Spiritually Bare, because essentially that is what I am. I am not an Atheist because I believe in the idea of God or Gods I just don't know who!? But I really don't want to have to put myself into that corner.
I mean I really do want to believe in something and someone. God or Not, I need to believe. I cannot go on Spiritually Bare forever, there is a big part of my that needs to have belief in some greater being and purpose. So once again I feel I am at a crossroads with my faith. I want to be Christian, but as mych as I feel it in my heart, I don't (if you know what I mean!?).
I am trying to find a happy medium between my varying beliefs, but I am not having any luck. I have been checking up on every religion available to man, but I can't seem to find one that draws to me. I used to think that Paganism did, but I have come to realize that over the 7 years I say that I practiced the religion, I hardly did anything in support of it. I on rare ocassions celebrated and Sabbats, I ignored the full-moon, and talked to the Goddess and the rest of the Gods only when I felt like it. I called my self Pagan and preached it to those who were interested but I never practiced what I preached. I was and am a hypocrit. No matter how hard I tried I was never fully into it. I could be Pagan on the outside but never Pagan on the inside. It is a fascinating anf wonderful religion and way of life, but it just never hit home for me like I tried to pretend it did. I am beginning to feel like a celestial punching bag. I keep jumping back and forth between varying faiths, including Buddhism and Kabbalah.
For the past few months things around my mind have been more Christian, books, music, wearing faithlets and crosses ect... but none of this is helping/ I still feel like Chrisitanity isn't where my heart is. Unless that is what my head is saying and my heart isn't loud enough to be heard!? I really don't understand all of this. It has been going on for 4 years and I can't get it to end. For some stupid reason I feel it necessary to have one main faith and belief system in my life.
It is driving me to the point of insanity and back. I have spent hours in prayer to both God/Jesus and the Goddess for answers to those plaguing my spiritual self, but to no avail I have come up empty handed everytime. I have done everythin in my power, from reading parts of the Bible, to attending Church, to perfroming Goddess rituals, and none of this has gotten me anywhere. It seems that all these tasks do is push me away. Church seems to scare me, I have never had a good Church going expierence, and the Bible gets me frustrated, because there is so mych stuff that feels like pure non-sense to me.
Everytime I do a ritual I get scared and am afraid of the Goddesses presence. I am not generally a frightened person (I do have my fears) but the thought of the power of the Goddess terryfies me. I just wish that all of these parlour games would end so that I could get back to my worry free life and enjoy being 24 and single. 
