  These days I feel a bit at sea. nbsp;  I feel like I should be doing something,  yet all I want to do mostly is sleep. nbsp;
 Partly this is due to the Grand Jury duty I've volunteered for,  and that time- shift of which I spoke.
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 But I've been feeling this at- sea condition for awhile now.
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 I've been musing about what actions,  if any,  I could be taking right now.
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 I could be seeking more ways to have fun.
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 I could be seeking a new line of work.
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 I could be seriously acting upon my wishes to live in a smaller city,
 or even somewhere outlandish like North Dakota.
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 I could be doing a lot of things.
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 But nothing feels absolutely right.  I do&
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ask my dreams for guidance.
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 Today I dreamt I wanted to get permission from some people I know in my various programs to commit suicide due to powerless rage.
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 ( Josh Marshall on TPM wrote that in 2002 the Democrats were enraged,  because they felt powerless.
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 Today,  they're angry but not enraged,  because they see they have power.
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 Guess that idea permeated to the bottom of my consciousness!
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 The two people I talked with were non- committal about the idea.
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 Even though I'm feeling " lost" and I put it in quotes because it feels right- I don't really feel the need to do anything about it at this point.
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 It's uncomfortable and all,
 but so far I just don't see the need to simply take any old action just to do it.
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 There are a couple of actions I'm contemplating,  but they are for once I've started my ninth step or for the fall,  which I always feel is&
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some sort of&
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beginning.
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 I'm curious to see how I shall feel once we pass 15- degrees of Leo,  around August&
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5 or so,  for that is spiritually the beginning of&
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fall.
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 Lammas/ Lughnasadh is this coming&
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Sunday and is the celebration of the first harvest.
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 The Equinox will&
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be only 6 short weeks from thence.
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 Last year,
 I felt some sort of excitement for fall kindle in me in August.
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 &
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 I wanted to start eating fall foods then- squash,  apples,  turkey,  etc.
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 I bet I shall feel the same sort of energy again.  For now,  the thing that is keeping me tethered is trying to listen for Gaia/ Sol's will for me.
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 It requires I spend time with the grass and the trees,  which I've not been doing as much due to G.
J.  duty.
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 I did talk to the trees in a park across the street from 100 Centre Street the other day,  though.
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 Felt good.
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 That's one thing I'm not lost about,  is that nature is to be more central to my life.
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 It's just how do I bring that center and what do I do with all the other stuff I'm required to do to survive in this necrivilization?
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