  So here I am, typing at five in the morning Japan time, and I'm already pretty damn tired. I mean, I stayed up the whole night, with nothing to do but really think about things over again. It's been a little crazy, this summer. I mean, I've had small little surprises, and then I've had huge shocks. I've got a couple more weeks till I have to go back, and honestly, that little desire of staying and never going back is beginning to seep in. Honestly, I wonder at times what the point of a home is elsewhere, when all you want to do is stay at one specific spot on a summer vacation. I guess home's been a little redefined lately. Then the funny thing is why I even want to come back here, even though I know that I'm going to feel like this again anyway. Really, it's somewhat disgusting. That even though I'm going to love going back here, and hate leaving this place like hell, and that I'm going to be down for over a month and finally get over it once I get back to school, I still return.
Maybe it's about family, and maybe it's just the urge to be away from things. I don't know. I read some blogs from Naomi's, and while she's at a job in Ireland over the summer, I've been really doing jack squat. Honestly. My day fully consists of practicing my flute (just did), playing lots of tennis, blogging (which I haven't done lately due to my lack of inspiration), studying mathematics and Japanese, and e-mailing a bunch of friends.
These days however, it seems like everyone's gone and they really don't have much chance to get on a computer. Actually, I just got my laptop back a couple days back, so I'm feeling good myself to be using my own computer. For one, I can actually type a lot faster and that really is like heaven in a sense. Played my first tennis match since a month, and I have to say that my view of the tennis world has expanded. I lost today 6-1, 6-1, and that pretty much explains most of it. I mean, o f course, you miss the little tid bit details like what the hell really happened, but you get the general idea that I lost.
I can't really say from this score that I gave a good fight against my opponent, but I sure the hell did my best. Actually, not particularly true, because I got too nervous for three quarters of the game, and when I finally did get my game, I pretty much lost it by then. Yes, my excuse. Question it, I don't care. See if you can do any better here. However, I can promise you that next time I play against the same person, I'll be ready, and I'll sure as hell win. Score doesn't count for this time, it'll count for next time. It's like that song goes... "I get knocked down, I get back up..." or something like that. I guess the biggest thing that's rubbed off on me this year is Heitmann, our basketball coach and history teacher (eccentric as hell, but definitely one of the best teachers we have), and his flat refusal to lose.
He would refuse at any given time to quit on us, and he managed to get us to lose only once. That's pretty amazing stats for our school and our small community, and I can tell you now, we can sure as hell play better next season. What was admirable was that he managed to get us to win from what seemed like an absolutely horrible situation where most of the people watching were thinking we'd lost. I mean, we were twenty points down at the end of the first half, and Heitmann was furious. I mean, we all could feel the goddamn tension and anger and frustration going through him!
So he takes to the running track, and we all get this sinking feeling he's going to make us do laps before the second half. But instead, he gives us a speech, and swears enough to make any faint-hearted parent, well, faint. And we managed to only let them take two points off us, and we won the game. Pretty inspiring stuff. However, he did ditch us once for a history lesson after we came in late (after an inexcusable time period).
Understandable. Heitmann's got the philosophy that we've got the choice and if we wish to abuse it and waste his time, he's not going to play around. Our fault, so... hey, what can I say? At 5:00 A.M. though, this wasn't the only thing I was thinking about. I just can't shake off certain problems that I've been faced with, everything a month back (only a month back!).
Of course, I've been taking this as paranoia, but then again, what if this was true? After all, she hasn't said hello to me at all for the past month or two, almost. She hasn't replied once, and I'm not exactly feeling lonely or scared, or nervous, but maybe a tad worried. After all, I feel some sort of responsibility for the whole siutation. Maybe she didn't enjoy herself, or maybe I did something and she's not talking to me for it. Did I cross a line that I wasn't supposed to? Did I break taboo? The dilemma here is, do I want to not know and worry, or do I want to hear the truth, and get the worst. Everyone keeps telling me to not worry about it, if she didn't enjoy herself there, then it's her problem. I can't really believe that, I can't really take that for granted. After all, she took a goddamn long-distance flight and maybe she didn't enjoy herself. What was the point of taking the flight? She wasted a night where she could have at least done something that was far better, and maybe I might not be in this situation.
This kind of thing seems to happen at 5 a.m. I think it's sort of the lack-of-sleep thing. Getting a tad sleepy... Well, can't do much about anything from here, I guess. but I'm a natural worrier. After all, my entire class unanimously voted me for "Most Likely to Have A Nervous Breakdown. " Great. But I guess all I can really do is just not think about it too much, and just play a lotta tennis, or something like that. 
