  "Fathers and teachers, I ponder 'What is hell? '&nbsp; I maintain that it is the suffering of being unable to love. " -Dostoevski Ah, Dostoevski, the mad Russian. &nbsp; It's been recently brought to my attention, that I'm&nbsp;a miserable fucker. Here I am running around trying to save the world, trying to make people happy, when I myself, am the epitome of sadness. I cannot help myself.
I am thus far incapable. The best I can hope to is help others and pray that my own inner darkness does not blow me apart in a supernova of eclectic horror. Didja know, a supernova is the single most violent, cataclysmic event in the entire cosmos. A single supernova will give off more energy in an hour than an entire&nbsp;galaxy does in a month. Scaaaary. &nbsp; So now, here I am, pondering my existence, and left thinking, how am I going to save myself?
I suppose I could save the world, I've been at that for a while now, I'm rather proficient at it. But how do I help me ? Well, lets think about what made me happy the last time around. The answer to that is simple, it was uncanny amounts of love. Not necessarily from anyone else, it was love from within. It was love that I felt, that I was giving.
So, the answer is: Keep on lovin, keep on keepin on! I was hoping for something that would involve a little more...Oomph, ya know? Like a quick fix. Like ecstasy or something, except without the addiction or the dying. You would think that, living alone in the dark all this time, I would be accustomed to the badness. But now I want out...I can't get out though.
I'm just supposed to continue on like this. Continue loving. But that keeps me sitting here. Rotting. MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP!
MAKE IT STOP! Last time, last time I didn't make it stop, it wasn't my doing. An angel just happened to fall right out of the sky and into my arms, and I fell in love, and I FELT BETTER. Just some random occurance, just some luck of the draw, and I get saved. Now, now what am I to do? Just walk back out into the open and hope another beautiful, intelligent, artistic, caring angel will fall into my arms again.
I hear lightning never strikes the same place twice. I don't think this will be much different. This kind of love, this doesn't even happen ONCE to most people. Am I to hope that it will happen again? Was I wrong all along? Do I have another chance?
Or is this one simply gone? Gone. Gone. My chance with her is gone. We will never be together. &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; I was in the Sistine Chapel.
At my feet lay Michaelangelo's&nbsp;corpse. God reached down from the Creation of Man. In one hand, he held a great sword. In the other, he held the heart of my love. I looked up into his being, and I said nothing. I turned and walked away.
I knew I could recieve neither. I once told her... My fists have shattered men's dreams, Destroyed families And crushed hopes. But when I open these hands, I can hold my wife, Make my child laugh, And even help those who may need it. The path we take is not right, It is not wrong, It is simply the path that we choose. At what point does&nbsp;sarcasm become cynicysm? At what point does cynicysm become madness?
&nbsp; RIGHT FRIGGIN NOW! 
