  I think that I'm becoming way too comfortable with this blogging thing. Writing has always been a passion of mine, more than that; a necessity. I find myself allowing words and feeling to come tumbling out of me, crashing over each other and getting all mixed up, making no sense at all but bring relief from the internal pressure. Yeah, it's true. Ben and I broke up. No, I don't want to talk about it.
It's too painful. I can't really bring my self to tell people. Somehow it seems that if I talk about it it makes it more real. I know in my head that it was the right thing to do. It was time for me to get out of the way and let God work. It doesn't mean that I like it.
I don't want the questions. Why and when is really nobody's business. What gets me is that people want to know if it's permanent or if we're going to get back together. How would I know? Obviously if I could see the future I would have known that we would break up at this point and I would have headed it off. Right now, in this moment, I'm angry.
I'm angry because it's easier than being hurt. I'm angry because I find myself completely alone to deal with this. I know that there are people who would say that I can always count on them, but so many of them are the same people who want to drift in and out of relationships, friendships, of convenience. That's okay, but it doesn't really make me want to share my deepest wounds with them. If I can't count on them in the day to day stuff, why would I in a time of need. I really don't want to talk to my parents about it.
Actually, I'm not going to talk to my parents about it. I know that they're not excited for me to have a boyfriend, not that they're against it-just indifferent. I feel as though the didn't want to participate when Ben and I were together, and I don't want them to be a part of it now that it's over. I am DREADING my birthday. I wish that I could just go to sleep and skip that day. I don't want to answer the, "how come Ben isn't here?
" question from multiple relatives. How do you say that you still love someone but you're not together anymore? "Don't think ahead" I keep telling myself; only one day at a time. If you get ahead you will see this endless expanse and give up. One day at a time. I'm angry at myself for being such a baby.
I know that me breaking up with my boyfriend is not some world changing event. One day this will be only a distant memory. I won't even remember that I wrote this. I feel as though I should be stronger. That it shouldn't make me so sad. I think of Paul imprisoned, and singing praises.
He knew what real LIFE was all about. And so I say, Dear Jesus, here I am in all of my weaknesses and selfishness. I confess that I have been hurt, and I have tried to hide that and have turned it into anger instead. I have taken my eyes off of You...You know what is best, and I have placed them on myself and my own hurt. Help me to let go. Help my unbelief. 
