  Ok. So. Thinking about everything, and reading too much computer monitor text has made me sleepy. I miss Phë. Not just in the “she’s not here” sense, but in the fact that we, I just realized, haven’t actually had a good laugh or any fun without a “state of the friendship” talk being associated with it for a long time. A long long time indeed.
I never know about these sorts of things, but maybe we’ve plain old run out of things to say. She’s not back from Flinders with Dr wonderful yet, so who knows what’s been going on down there. I found this that I wrote quite a while ago, which I thought I’d Share. 18/04/2004 Hi there. Its been a while. So much has happened since the last time we spoke.
To start with, I’m divorced. Happened the day before yesterday. We had a party at rrose for the occasion, which some would call strange. I felt so odd. I was truly happy at the time, but you know, things like that can go either way. Brooke, Ty, Phë, Breece, Kaitlen (and her new squeeze Ash) were there, as were most of the notable cast of north Melbourne regulars.
But a notable absence was Susie. She was probably quite uncomfortable with the idea of the guy she was seeing inviting her to his divorce party. Its not what could ever be called non-freaky experience. She’s a kinda cool chick. She’s a Gemini, so I will end up being sick of her shit in the very soon time unless I take it pretty easy. She “doesn’t do the couple thing”.
I never get that. My understanding is that if you find someone good, you don’t need to make rules for yourself. Live life. Not to “choose life”, but to live it, whatever it is. Wherever you find it. Adventure of whatever kind you can muster.
Anyway, so Brooke tells me how sexy I looked, and asks me where my pickup was. I had no pickup, and to tell you the truth, I was hoping it would be Brooke herself that would be sharing my bed that night. But she and Ty seem to be on the right course. This is a very good thing. She needs someone who will love her but give her the independence she needs. I hope it can be him.
He’s a great guy, from all I can tell. Anyway, I don’t know what might happen with Phë. It all started in Sydney. Oh, we went to Sydney through the week, where we tried to find somewhere to go on a Wednesday night, only to end up in king’s cross. Classy. We made a pact that we couldn’t leave the place without pashing someone.
So we gave up when it sucked and just pashed each other. Such a good kisser. Something I will re: Susie, she may be pretty good in bed, but she is too rough. I’ve always seen sex as 2 separate entities. Couple sex, and fuck sex. Biting and beatings are fine during fuck sex, but not anywhere near as good as a great couple sex experience.
That said its still the best sex I’ve had in years. Maybe Natalie…its hard to remember that the past isn't black and white. Oh, she had the baby, which I saw in Sydney. They are soooooo cute. Amazing little thing he is. She seems so removed from the woman I married.
So… I don’t know, beaten? So we’re in kings cross. We decide to go for a drive somewhere with a view. Vaucluse was chosen. Such a great view just near Doyle’s there. Kissing, wrist.
Such great breasts. She said that “we’re so coupley already that to sleep together would make us together”. This might well be true. I wouldn’t mind so much, but she is looking forward to matt, and to tell you the truth, I’m looking forward to meeting him and seeing her get bored. All things come to those who wait. Not.
But nothing’s over until you’re dead. And if there is one thing I’ve learned from the last year, its that I’m far from dead nowadays. I was close for a long, long time, but I’m back baby. Back from the brink. So I’m not sure what to do about the Susie situation. Haven’t called her today, but that does tend to happen.
Might wait for her to call me. That’s not crazy, right? People who like people call them once in a while, right??? Meh. Yeah… a note on a couple of points there… Susie and I are at exactly the same place we were. How surprising.
4 months of stagnation. I disagree with my Natalie sentiment, in as much as she’s much more like I remember her in the last couple of weeks. Since we’ve been speaking again, that is. It was almost easier to believe that the woman I married was completely dead and gone, and that some weaker and more easily dominated body-snatcher had taken her place. But that’s not the case. Still, I'm Glad to have her back.
Listening to: Pearl Jam – Daughter. Not everyone knows that pearl jam is a euphemism for semen. Think about it. What would pearl flavoured jam look like? There you have it. Phë is just one of those things I guess.
I’m eventually going to have to get used to not having her around. I’m very much thinking about moving out. I don’t know what I was thinking when I decided to move in (oh, yeah, 4 crazy Irish living in my old house), but moving out may just give me the opportunity to salvage some of our friendship for a later date. My decision at the moment is to just try and be as nonchalantly superficial as possible. She’ll notice, as she always does when I’m acting in any way weird, but that’s not my intention. I just want some distance.
Listening to: Dandy Warhols – The last high My horoscope today: We can think of a few: Nelson Mandella; Bob Geldof; Mother Teresa. Noble souls who have struggled courageously to help make this world a better place. Are they really the only ones? How come then, that we can all reel off a long list of soap stars, rock stars and film stars yet if we try to remember the great and the good, we soon run out of famous names. What does that say about our world? Wonderful, loving, kind, giving actions are rarely applauded, but always rewarded.
Don't expect praise today for a kind gesture. But do rest assured it is the right move to make. Thank you very much Jonathan Cainer. Lots of help. I really had no opportunity to do anything “Wonderful, loving, kind, giving” today. If I did, I would have.
I did go to Centrelink. Does that count? They have these mats indicating where you’re supposed to stand. Just has the logo and says “pleases queue here” or words to that effect. I really want to steal one. I want one for my front door.
Listening to: RHCP: Throw away your television. At Centrelink I ran into Rachel. She’s my old housemate who now works there. When I last saw her, about a year ago, we had just shagged (after she moved out, I’m not that hypocritical) and she was in a really fucking weird headspace. She needed to find a place for her life to go, and I didn’t really have the strength or wisdom to help her, as much as I wanted to. She had been a major high-flyer in a London investment bank and had been in positions of serious authority, responsibility and pay-cheque.
She then took a year off to look after her grandmother and things didn’t work out as planned. She was broke, unemployed, etc… she moved into 417 with Tim. I moved in a few months later. Last time we spoke, she was working in Centrelink, had no life or interests to speak of and was feeling really shocking about herself. Anyway, she’s right back on track, doing 3 days per week at Centrelink and doing a psychology degree at Melbourne Uni. Got herself a boyfriend (another housemate, so I declined to mention the Phë situation).
Listening to: darkness – Friday night. If you don’t have the darkness – permission to land, go and get yourself a copy, available at all good record stores. Rach and I had a really good chat over lunch and are both happy that we did. I still don’t know how I’m supposed to make a kind gesture today, no one is home. I’ve encountered no one. Is a gesture by definition an un-requested action?
Does a gesture need to be spontaneous? Can it be a nicer action than you would have normally taken to a given stimulus? I’ve been reading too much fucking philosophy lately. Everything is a question on a question on a question. No answers. Philosophy, the search for truth, my arse.
I love it, but it does not provide truth, or answers without a pre-determined social construct, if you believe Nietzsche. Phë’s not coming home tonight. It would appear. Get used to it. This is your life, and its ending one minute at a time . So that’s kinda that then.
I did a silly thing. Listening to: Delta Goodrem – Lost without you. How ironic. Not in the Alanis Morrissette way, but in the much more relevant way. I commented on goblind.blogspot.com using my usual blogger account. This means that when Phë notices the “1 comments” on a recent post and reads it (which she will) she will be easily lead straight here.
I could go and delete the comment, but I don’t want to. If you’re reading this, good for you. Turnaround is fair play I suppose. PS nice work on using that Blog patrol add in. I only noticed because it of the cookies it wanted to send me. I use it too.
So nyeh. Shouldn’t you be shagging Dave??? Go on then, chop, chop. Finish in his hair. If you finish. Which you won’t, because captain wonderful isn’t generally known as captain magic hands, now is he???
Anyway, now that that’s out of the way, I was onto some kind of train of thought, wasn’t I? If you finish a sentence in an I in word, it doesn’t do an autocorrect because of the punctuation directly after it. Just noticed. I wonder how often that actually comes up? Listening to – Pink Floyd – Wish you were here. Why is winamp doing its darndest to make me feel bad?
So, the Olympics. I’m already sick of them. Kill me. I beg you. I used to live in sunny Sydney. During the 2000 games, when everyone else (read: all of the former detractors) “got in the Olympic spirit”, I remained firmly… Did you exchange a walk on part in a war for a lead role in a cage?
I love great lyrics like that. That just makes me think of Natalie. When I was at my lowest last year this song came on gold 104 (classic hits station in Melbourne) and I just burst into tears. … grinch-like. I hated the Olympics then, as I do now. Sure, everyone likes a dash of sport (don’t get me started about AFL), but 2 fucking weeks solid?
Of table tennis, synchronized swimming and kayaking? I can see them televising the track, swimming, maybe weight-lifting and gymnastics… the stuff that’s kinda interesting, or that we might win, but come on. Who the fuck knows who’s winning in the judo? And how do you judge diving? Have you noticed that the cats who are judging the diving (and most stuff) tend towards the stereotype of short, official looking types with thick glasses. I’ll say that again.
Thick glasses. They’re judging at an Olympic level and they have vegemite jar glasses. Anyway, I had (have? ) a t-shirt that was all black with large white lettering on the front that said “ FUCK THE OLYMPICS ”. I wish I could find it. This is going on for soooooooooo looooong.
Listening to: RHCP – I could have lied. This is kina a long blog, but like, you know, whatever. I hope someone out there is reading at least some of it. I’m not sure how much I’d need to censor if I gave the address to too many people. Do I want this to be a place of free expression and relative anonymity or of veiled thoughts and acclaim? I’m sure that question will answer itself in time.
My ego and self-importance will no doubt get the better of me and I’ll tell all and sundry about it. Well I’ve been writing about fuck all for about an hour now, and my back is sore and I need to go and have a smoke. I really should quit. I know I can be a quitter. Being a quitter and sticking with it. Now there’s a concept.
Keep your bananas at 13 degrees, Frank. 
