  So anyway. If your just getting caught up this useless blog is only me trying to get over a mildly bruised heart by getting the situation out and done with. When I last left it was with Ben and I almost sleeping together one drunken night down by the ocean.
I had to stop it, or so my drunken logic told me at the time. How could he respect a girl who hooks up with him on his friends' couch?If I had known then that it would be my only opportunity I most certainly would have done things differently. That morning was the strangest one ever. He wouldn't touch me and would hardly look at me. I began to feel as though I had taken advantage of him even though I was the one who stopped it. We parted ways and I knew something was wrong. He was regretting and I began to fall into the trap of self doubt so crippling that I began to see why he wouldn't want a fat ugly stupid girl like me. At work it was terrible, he would hardly even talk to me where before we would pass the slow times in the kitchen talking laughing and flirting like teenagers. At one point I tried to bring it up but he said nothing was different and I was being sensitive. But something was different and it was him. He was hardly sleeping, he told me, his friends were over all the time at his tiny apartment.
I never wanted to go there to see, his friends were not the cream of the crop. He began getting in fights, then complaining about how his hand hurt. I still couldn't get him to talk to me, or even pick up the phone when I called. Over the past few weeks he began losing weight.
He grows paler in the june sun and there are rings turning blue below his eyes. I saw all this and have tried not to care. But I can't just turn it on and off like that. I still care for him deeply. I was hurt and angry and confused so I did what any girl who want revenge would do. I slept with one of his best friends. I don't think he ever found out who but he did find out.
If looks could kill that night at work I would be worm food by now. I tried to talk to him that night get him to tell me what was going on, how he felt about me and that sort of thing. I was so nervous I didn't know where to begin so we parted ways with nothing said. I got home and immediately called him, planning to leave a message with everything I couldn't say to his face and he picked up the phone for the first time in two weeks.
I didn't know what to do but fortunately the connection was cut off as he drove into the mountains. So I left my message. I told him how he had been acting strangely and how I had feelings for him and was sorry that they weren't reciprocated but that we could remain friends even though it would suck for a while...It was slightly more detailed then that but it was late and I don't remember the specifics. I asked him to call me to talk. He never did. So it goes to this day. I still work with him and he spirals downward.
I have to watch and stay away. If he would only let me save him I could. But He has to want to be saved. I can't force that on him. Today he was telling me how he slept for two days straight, only getting up long enough to go to the hospital... I don't want to know but I stare into his blue eyes and his translucent freckled skin seems drawn.
So full of pain and lost and it kills me! So I have to leave, not my work though I will. I've gotten in touch with my friends on the west coast and they're getting ready for me to come back... He made me promise once that I would tell him if I ever was going to the pacific...I haven't yet and I don't know if I will.. 
