  ive been feeling really alone the last couple days. maybe my daily ritual of watching dawson's creek is getting to me. their whole lives revolve around sex and relationships and thats just something that is really laking in my life right now. it's been almost 3 years since i had my last boyfriend, three long lonely years. it seems longer when i say it.
when the drought of my so called love life began i just wanted someone to fill that empty space. i didnt care how long it lasted i wanted the instant satisfaction of having someone that cared about you. i dont want that kinda relationship anymore. i dont want just some guy that isnt going to last.
i dont want to be in a relationship witha guy that isnt the one for me. last nighted i wished on the stars just as i do every night like the true dreamer i am and i did wish for a specific guy like i usually do. i looked up into the sky and just said i feel like im walking around in my usual flip flops and only hearing the flip. i need my flop to feel complete. i dont care if its not clay aiken or jason mraz or elijah wood and i dont even care if its not mike*. i just want that one guy that is out there for me. i want him now so i can stop looking for him and wondering just who he is.
i want him so i can feel complete, so i can be happy. thats what i wished for and i know now that that is the only thing that is going to change the subject of my wishes. if i have to wish for it everyday for the rest of my life i will. if thats what its gunna take for me to find him then ill do it. whatever it takes ill do it. untill that fateful day when i do find him and im truely complete i know what i have to do.
i have to learn to be happy without a man in my life. sure it will get hard on those paticular days when everyone on dawsons creek seems so happy and in love but i know i have friends that will pull me up from the deep depression i get from seeing fictional people in fictional love with other fictional people that are fictionally their soulmates.
adults seem to think that kids cant possibly understand the concept of love let alone experience it or the pain caused by its absence. i think if anyone could just read some of my writings they would see that i know what it is like to be in love even though ive never experienced it. i know what its is like to be so alone you want to cry. i could never show anybody my writings.
they are too personal. i care way too much about what other people think. if someone read even just one and totally hated it and said it was completely ammature i would be crushed. the little confidence i do have is because of the great abilitly i think i have in expressing my emotions through words, whether it is just writen down or put to music. that is my confidence. that is the one thing i think i do with the most skill. you are just gunna have to take my word for it.
i know love, experience or not. mike* - mike is.....well he is this guy i have fallen head over heals for with only a few brief conversations. ive never liked a guy as much as i like him. its been almost two years with me only liking him. so many of my writings are directed around him because i just have these intencelly strong feelings for him that i cant express in any other way than the privecy of my own thoughts. when i met him he was sitting at a table after school in the commons reading a book. not a book that everyone was reading because they had to but actually volunteerilly taking his time to pick out a book that suits his interests and reading it.
call me a loser, nerd, geek, whatever but guys that read are a total turn on to me. i also know he is a virgin. in this day and age finding a guy in high school that is still a virgin is a hard task to complete. im not saying i only date virgins but i know i dont want to have sex until im married and dating someone who has the same veiws on that issue or atleast has not experienced sex yet is a plus.
he also is a friggen guinius. if he was here right now he would be correcting every one of my spelling mistakes. i happen to love my spelling mistakes but in my writings i really would like someone there to tell me how to spell things correctly. it just looks more mature and intellectual if you spell all the words right. he knows like every thing in the world and loves history as much as i do.
one of the best things about him is he makes me laugh. what most people see as immature i just see as hilarious. there is one thing i have to say though, a lot of people think he is gay. he dresses really nice most of the time and has incredible hair complete with highlights. i dont think it's his look that makes people think he is gay, its the fact that he has only had one girlfriend his entire life and that was in 8th grade.
she treated him like crap, or so ive heard, very controlling and cheating on him every chance she got. i actually realized another thing that is quite odd. my last relationship was also in 8th grade and i ended it because he cheated on me. he was the first guy i ever liked that liked me back. both mine and mike's first and only relationships ended so badly that we havent dated since.
i may not act like it or ever actually admit it but im scared. i dont want another guy to hurt me like that. just the thought that he wasnt happy with me and had to go else where. i dont want to feel that pain again. and mike, mike knows what that pain feels like to. he knows how bad it hurts and wouldnt do that to me. he just seems so right for me. with just the sight of him my whole body gets weak and my heart beats faster than i ever thought it could.
my throat just locks up and i couldnt get a word out to save my life. im so scared im going to say something wrong to destroy any chance we ever had of having a successful relationship that i dont say anything at all. i try to imagine him feeling the same way about me that i feel about him. i want to think that he likes me so i dont feel like im wasting my time.
i deny he knows how i feel about him. people tell me its obveous and how could he not know but i have no proof saying he knows. nobody has come up to me saying they have told him or saying they know someone who has told him so until that happens im assuming he doesnt know. on the days when im feeling paticualarlly depressed about my whole situation i cant help but think im not pretty enough for him.
lets just face it he's popular, he is in with all the so called "cool" kids and im well im not. i dont wear the right clothes and i dont look a certain way. i dont wear make up and my idea of dressing up is khakis and a nice shirt. i dont fit in with those kids.
why would he want to be with a girl like me. i could talk about him and how he makes me feel until hell freezes over and that wouldnt do anything. when comes down to it i just dont know. i dont know if he likes me and if he doesnt i dont know why. i dont know if the rumors about him being gay are true or not. i dont even know if im ready for a relationship. the only thing i am truely positive about is that these feelings i have for him dont seem to be going anywhere and thats quite alright with me.
maybe things will change over the summer and i will change into the gorgous person i want to be for him and maybe he will finally see in me what i have always seen in him and maybe he wont. maybe nothing will change and ten years from now ill be looking back thinking i should have done something. thats my choice i will either move on or do something but i refuse to look back and still be wondering what could have been. i refuse to regret the decisions i have made. he makes me happy and thats what i want right now i want to be happy.
if he isnt the one that will make me happy i want to move on and find the person that will. i say these things all the time but the probability of me actually acting on these thoughts is quite slim. 
